space
[speys]
Show IPA noun, verb, spaced, spac⋅ing,adjective:freedom or opportunity to express oneself, resolve a personal difficulty, be alone, etc.; allowance, understanding, or noninterference: Right now, you can help by giving me some space
I am quite incline to note that one of the chief irritants of life in army, as a trainee, is the lack of space. not physically, though the 4-level tower called wing line probably houses more than what the pioneering HDB planners could have dreamed of, but figuratively. there's no "me" time, unless and until you consider lights out onwards in the pitch black of the night. that is quite a, pardon the pun, dark form of "self" time. and when there are simply so many things going on in your mind (and worse, heart), it is quite a pain to just ignore and continue functioning. when the schedule and superiors make no exceptions for individual issues, take complete incognizant of the happenings beyond the confines of the camp and more, the absence of "space" becomes all the more acute... at least for me, someone who is still reluctant to sell my soul to this particular aspect of the Establishment. this predisposition is not exactly constructive, i know, but the alternative might ruffle the tender feathers of my sense of self and system of beliefs. in case it isnt obvious enough, this is yet another symptom of pre-booking in blues. it occur once a week, esp on sundays. but i shall count my blessing already; its a sunday night and im not in camp, yet.
this weekend has been quite good. supper with platoon mates and then brunch with family @ The Regent and then seeing bravo kids off at T2 and then zouk (but halloween was better hur hur) and then celebrating wenyu's bday at california pizza kitchen and then hanging out with gab after almost one whole month and watching mj's This Is It, which was quite nice except im not such a big fan. but i've to say his music/fashion/professionalism/brilliance is really iconic and lasting. but for all this weekend offered, throughout the whole time i was very aware of it being the last before brunei. and brunei being brunei (my first overseas army training), it just gets at you. but alas, its a rite of passage for infantry kids and we'll get there. keep your fingers crossed with me, thanks.
happily, i visited Select Bookstore for the first time on sat after brunch and bought Barr's book on LKY. and i saw many more titles which i'll die to get my hands on. but i felt bad to keep buying books when there are easily about 30 on my shelves which i havent started on. but have i told you how much i love the feeling of being able to just pick one out any day and start on it, plunge into a whole new world, explore a completely different topic and embrace a dimension of current affairs/the human condition instantaneously. this freedom is probably a pretty expensive indulgence. but then again, freedom, from its most primitive versions to profound ones like human rights and democracy, is never cheap. but i shall not digress. so as i was saying, Select Bookstore shall be my new haunt when time permits.
anyhow, the christmas lights are up. here it comes again, the festive season of eternal grace. religious references aside, christmas also heralds the end of yet another year. i cannot help but feel pensive as i gaze across the multitude of people (oops, very biblical i know haha), families with cameras flash flash and happy kids and shopping bags and smiles, knowing that these lights contrasts with what is ahead for me in the next 4 odd months. perhaps most disturbingly is how 2009 hasnt exactly been a good year, for domains of my life which truly matters. there were, of course, sparks of brilliance here and there (esp april 1st (US uni results), 28th (edb!!) and mid-may (mfa!!) hahaha). but if i have to be brutally honest with myself, these sparks cannot really match up with the fire which should/could have been. what a difference a decision by 13 old men has made. in less materialistic and ambitious domains also, 2009 hasnt been that kind a year. but i have to learn to be contented and this reminds me of a quote gab koped from the book i lent him. i reproduce with gratitude and good intentions.
be satisfied
be grateful
for what you have. for the love you receive. and for what God has given you.
be grateful
for what you have. for the love you receive. and for what God has given you.
speaking of God, i didnt go church again on sunday. sorry bryan, who's probably the most constant source of spiritual light in my life. but i will begin on Have A Little Faith soon, and it seems poised to rekindle certain spiritual awareness in me. i hope it does, though i also know it takes action on my part, not mere reading of a book.
it is quite late, i should be getting some rest. i love reading on my bed, by my bed lamp, under the caress of my blanket and in the coolness of the air-conditioned room. hahaha sounds like im describing something too sensual. alright, i shall go now. good night, good luck and have a blast.
P.S: Happy Belated Birthday, Quak Wenyu aka. CK QUAK :)
