increasingly, i am learning what it means to "feel the weight on your shoulders". the dread was so real, so close, and for a moment in the vast galaxy of time, i could imagine it becoming alive, taking on a form, reaching out to shake my hand (or choke me at my neck) and speaking to me with the cordiality marking a chanced meeting between old acquaintances along a busy, hot, crowded street. and the moment "goodbye, see you soon" was mouthed, i learnt what it means to "have a weight lifted off your shoulders". you heave a sigh of relief, so full, so complete that even the slightest pleasures thereafter fiercely tempt your mind into an edwardian slack. and can you believe this - all this bloody evocation for (thankfully) an absent notification from the powers that be in this tiny island. have we lost something along the way, or are we just making things up, multiplying its importance disproportionately and irrationally because "we are in this together"? i choose to believe it is, like the treacherous shadow of Dread, merely a phase, ephemeral, transitory and fleeting. this, too, shall pass :)

on a more lighthearted note, i have been enjoying myself immensely with the nightly meet-ups and dinners. i think i havent spent so much on food ever before, but alas, i am going to be bald and lose my individualism (in all sense of the word) painfully soon so a little bit of such healthy insouciance shouldnt hurt. moreover, i am still an employed member of the working class at my dear old Victoria School.

i think i've heard someone saying that cynical people dont make it far in life, and even if they do, they dont make it far happily. that isnt good news, i suppose. thats why i think conventionality should increase, while cynism must decrease, at least in this little boy. point noted.

CHINA from tonight till 3rd april to visit sister. its an important trip, and i intend to make the most out of it. family matters.

goodnight, and goodluck :)
happy birthday bestie <3

people. makes me happy, and makes me sad. most of the time, the former prevails. but every so once in a while, in one of life's most cruel ironies, it is the same people who makes me the happiest the ones who make me the saddest. this is no riddle, for those of us willing and able to take a step back from any of our disappoints and emo times to trace the roots of them. episodes and events, as their very names unimaginatively suggest, happen episodically to upset our happy swing of things. but people, it is people, that constitutes the more lasting and significant portion of our lesser emotions.

alas, we can always attribute such pseudo philosophical talk to just a mere extra dosage of sensitivity uncommon in a particular gender, or so says society. or even more simply, take such rantings as indication of something larger that is missing deep within. im not proponents of either hypothesis, im not in the mood to dissect further. i need to be a little less active in the cerebrum, lest it works in constant friction with the royal tide of emotions prevalent within. thats why i think i need to go to phuture one of these days. cerebral activities are suspended in favor of other sorts of activities. you'll know it when you're there.

conversation of the day:

me: im tired of always __________________________________
bezzy: but if you dont, or you change, you wont be john anymore.


yes yes, i suppose it is wise to remind ourselves of such simple, basic truths once in a while, just in case the flurry of music and lights and movements in this tiny republic knocks this better side of us out. in any case, smoked salmon pasta was super awesome :)

ice cream at siglap's gelare on a lazy tuesday afternoon was also much, much loved. the pace and the people (there you go)... sweet.

last, on a pragmatic note, if any of you (or your friends, or their friends yada yada yada) are interested in giving econs or GP tuition to jc kids (specifically, a hwachong girl and a rj boy), please get in contact with me. i am craving for pure, unadulterated freedom to work my calendar, hence this decision.

goodnight, and have a good life. may i humbly add that watching desperate housewives has been a sort of trigger happy, especially of late? i love you, marc cherry.

as i approach the last pages of city of small blessings, i am feeling a strange, old manly kind of peace and silence. i imagine the city, the same one roaring with life and bustle in the day cooling into a sort of stillness, uncomfortable and awkward at first, but warm and wonderful eventually. i imagine the spirits of the land - those who have been here since the very beginning when malay fishermen ruled and toiled - rising every night to cast their blessings on this small little island which has metamorphosized so rapidly to the point of a terrible scare.

but maybe their might dont matter tonight, now. this tiny island is built on not sentimental pulling of the heart strings, but a cold-blooded, hard-nosed calculation of dollars and cents. this tiny island does not pander to the spiritual; it was man's sweat and ingenuity that got us here, perhaps, only of one man's. or perhaps, these spirits have, through the years, lost their ability to cast even small blessings, as they, too, have changed and lost a certain fundamental element about their roots, origins, heritage and thus, power.

We used to say the word "democracy" without apology. There used to be rallies and words and ideas that mattered in speeches, that won hearts and our votes.
This used to be such a place, such a country. This used to be a home, our home. Now, it is just real estate. Industrial parks for businesses and hotels, luxurious and expensive.

there is something about this existence behind the screen. the stillness and the silence of the night wave their haunting magic on my mind too, i suppose. whatever the case, putting words to my thoughts, for now, helps soothe the tensed and erected nerves a bit. im nearing the end of simon tay's book, and im looking forward to a good ending; i refuse to read about its ending online. i hope it ends on a note acceptable to the sullied singaporean soul in me. the alternative would be too big a grief for the ultra cynic in me to take.

in other news, coming back from 6 days of Kahang ECO Camp in Malaysia is much loved. little getaways (with deplorable, but exciting, living conditions) do heighten the goodness of the creature comforts we have come to know a little too well and need a little too much. manjusri camp made me think a bit about parenting and how a lot of things, for better or for worse, begins at the first school a kid will ever attend - the home. brings back some wise words of Morrie; All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.

The above might be a bit dramatic, but the underlying sentiment is unmistakably true.

the VS camp was more direct in terms of the familiar emotions it generated within me; fierce pride for the school and wonderful memories of the times in there, conventionally labelled as the GOOD OLD DAYS in siglap. having a batch of black shirts back with us also reminded me of when i first returned to help out with the camp in 2006, and than as an EOA staff in 2007. once again, in 2009 as an EOA staff this time round. it was very physically exhausting, no doubt. but im glad i did both schools' camp, for the juxtaposition made me see certain things in clearer light and i take it as a form of approximated training for Tekong. shannon and i have counted down; it is exactly a month from saturday when we came back to singapore before we both enter into the bitter battleground known as Tekong which has robbed so many testoterone-charged young men of their liberty, individualism and sense of style, at least for 2 odd months of their pubscent adulthood. nevertheless, i shall carry the most positive of attitudes, knowing that there is much to learn from the training there and much to gain from the prospective exposure and people there.

this is totally unrelated to the above thoughts, but i just realise why sometimes a conversation via typed words and format is actually not to be easily dismissed as improper, insubstantial and immaterial. sometimes, putting our messages in its typed glory, retrievable for all of eternity (if you, like me for a while, keep special messages), has its merits. i shall no longer frown and remark condescendingly on hearing a break up being executed via means such as SMS, as i vaguely recalled i did the last time i heard a guy breaking up with a girl via SMS. "what a bastard," i thought. i think i now know why it might be better to say certain things from behind a machine, and not through our mouths.

on a lighter note, hooray i've got another conditional offer from warwick! to do politics and history. so now for ucas all that's eluding me is my place to do government in lse. come on baby come on quick! and of course, US apps results coming out in about 2 weeks' time. very nerve-wrecking. but always remember, whatever the outcome or how eventualities pan out, LIFE GOES ON. the world DOESNT STOP SPINNING. so KEEP LIVING, boys and girls.

i shall go watch an episode of desperate housewives now before turning in. goodnight all, have a good life :)

RESULTS DAY CAME AND GONE.

POST-RESULTS SLEEPOVER TOO. WEEKEND MEETING UPS ALSO. (FOR THE RECORD I REALLY LOVE THE LAST TWO EVENTS)

THE ANXIETY... THE NAIL-BITING (FIGURE OF SPEECH - I DIDNT REALLY DO IT)... THE SENSATION... THE ORGA...OOPS! ALL OVER! WHEE! SUCH TIMES MAKE YOU KNOW YOU ARE FULLY, TRULY, HUMANLY ALIVE AND IN TOUCH WITH THE EXTREMITIES OF EMOTIONS. NICE.

MORE OF THAT NEXT TIME! SUFFICE TO SAY, THE EQUALISER (A LEVELS RESULTS) HIT ME BOTH WAYS!

IN LESS BRAINY NEWS, HAPPY POPPING MY DEAR RECRUITS. I WONT BE ABLE TO GO SEE THEM THROW CAPS AND SMILE LIKE THEY MEAN IT :(

I WILL BE IN MALAYSIA TRULY ASIA FROM MONDAY TILL SATURDAY TO RUN CAMPS! I M SURE THE VS ONE WILL BRING BACK NICE MEMORIES OF THE GOOD OLD DAYS! GIVE ME A "V"!

HAVE FUN EVERYONE!! WHATEVER THE GRADES, LIFE GOES ON. FOR MY FELLOW RJ KIDS WHO ARE LOST IN THIS BISHAN BUBBLE OF COUNTLESS 7,8 OR 9 DISTINCTIONS, DONT FRET - HAVE A SENSE OF PERSPECTIVE AND BE CONTENTED. THE FUTURE IS FOR THE TAKING!! COME ON YOUNG PEOPLE, LET'S GO! SUCCES, JOY AND ACHIEVEMENT SIMPLY CANNOT BE RIGIDLY AND NARROWLY EQUATED TO HOW MANY ALPHABETS YOU'VE CHALKED UP IN YOUR CERT! (FINE, IM PARTLY RATIONALISING TO MYSELF TOO. DAMN!!!)

LOVE, PEACE AND HARMONY,
CHEO


P.S: RAFFLES STILL DOMINATE, IM SORRY MY (HWAC) FRIENDS :D

accept my profuse apologies for not being exactly creative and original; enjoy the following sentences which i've unabashedly reproduced without copyrights!

From J.G. Farrell's The Singapore Grip and Neel Chowdhury's column in March 2nd's TIME:

"With his gentle wit Farrell captures the soul of Singapore: a polyglot Asian port, still partly under the sleepy sway of its British colonial past, and still lurching toward an uncertain future with a furious, irresistible energy."


From Simon Tay's City of Small Blessings:

"... It reminds me of how things used to be. For a time, people gave of themselves to this place and built this city. How can things be made better? Or at least how can this one thing be put right?

What can ants do in the larger frame of things? I realize that from an ant's view of history, this is not a relevant question. An ant does not know how things add up, what results. The ant only asks what he is supposed to do. And then the ant works."


I think kids should talk to their parents more, not necessarily just how a son or a daughter might talk to a mother or a father, but rather, as equals. i personally think a huge part of who i am have been derived, for better or for worse, from my parents and their environments, both social and familial. tonight's dinner was once such reminder of how huge an influence my mom has on the person that i am, my underlying assumptions and expectations of how the world works, or ought to work, how humans related, or should relate, to one another etc.

most strikingly, and somewhat amusingly perhaps, was knowing how a huge chunk of my patriotic zeal and pragmatism (fertile intellectual ground on which the propaganda of the state can flourish and climax in a multi-color, sensory bloom) could trace their origins to my mom's outlook on the singaporean condition; little red dot with no natural resources, out to make it in a difficult neighborhood and world. i cant help but let out a half cynical, half disbelieving laugh when my mom, out of her most genuine of beliefs, told me about singapore's precarious position in this volatile world. that sounded too much like my history H3 paper for me not to instantaneously identify with and thus respond quixotically to.

in other news, boys and girls, i've gotten a job at vs, starting tmr! having experienced tj and all the traumas associated with it, im somehow very much excited by my new job. back to VS, the school that watch'd me grow :)

results out on friday. keep the hearts pulsating heavily and thoughtfully, and the fingers crossed prayerfully and unsettlingly.

i think im still having holiday hangovers!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU MUST WATCH THIS SHIT, MY FELLOW YOUNG SINGAPOREAN KIDS.

http://edition.cnn.com/video/#/video/politics/2009/03/03/am.teen.republican.cnn





WHAT ARE WE DOING WITH OUR LIVES FRETTING OVER THINGS LIKE PASSING TESTS ETC. GET OUT THERE AND DO THE REAL THING, HONEYS! BUT ALAS, WE ARE ALL GUILTY AS CHARGED. AND YES, I SHALL PANDER LESS TO WESTERN-INSPIRED THOUGHT ARCHITECTURE AND START READING XINHUA NEWS AGENCY INSTEAD OF FORA TV OR CNN.

GOODNIGHT FOR NOW! I'LL BE STARTING WORK, ALBEIT ON A REALLY AD-HOC AND SHORT-TERM BASIS, IN VS ON THURSDAY! :)

just give me a minute to restart my heart says:
aiyo but holidays are always just mini getaways

just give me a minute to restart my heart says:
need to always come back to reality!



HI. WE R BACK. QUITE BLACK. BUT NOT TOO BLACK. BUT SUFFICIENTLY SUN-KISSED. FENG GOT SUN-RAPED SINCE HE IS PEELING ON HIS SHOULDERS ETC. LUCKILY I WAS BORN A LITTLE BROWNIER SO THE SUN IS A GOOD FRIEND.

Australia - romanticized and displayed in all its grandeur and history by the legendary mister luhrmann - indeed didnt disappoint. lots of sunshine, sand and the beach make for a good holiday. but as indicated by the cynical note which started off this post, it is nevertheless, a mini getaway, implying in other words the surreal, almost unreal, element we must attach to holidays and its subsequent effects on our souls. i had my share of fun, i shopped quite a bit (the power of a card - you appreciate ATMs more acutely when you are running low of the local currency during a holiday, honey!) and got to know my friends better through the trip so all's good.

but - such qualification is always necessary if we are to upkeep a sense of balance in this imperfect world - alas, what appeared to be the national past time of gold coast residents (besides surfing and suntanning) has rubbed off me: CHILL, TAKE LIFE AS IT COMES. the pace in Brisbane was visibly faster, more like Singapore. but down the East Coast in Surfers' Paradise, the pace becomes unmistakably slower and more leisurely. it helps that the Aussies are generally a friendly bunch. case in point: when you ask for directions, the aussies actually offer to walk you there, with one or two of them actually walking the walk, not just pointing the walk! i admit, as a true blue and now slightly abashed singaporean, i sometimes do not embrace fully strangers who stop me in my shopping and ask for direction. my first thought would be "what does he want from me?", though i generally keep it away from my facial expression. most others, however, are less subtle and the relunctance permeates so chokingly that i think i can die of suffocation in busy streets.

i have many more examples, which i have shared with jooz and sigh it comes down to certain unpalatable realities staring down singapore's face - little red dot in a politically volatile region (or so we have been conditioned to believe and manage, rather than to renegotiate), with little resources other than the people. hence, the human resource must be maximized. as like how any efficient companies will treat its commodities and possessions, widespread categorisation is needed. are you from EM1, EM2 or EM3. any lower you'll have to be ejected to Malaysia - no, I was only kidding. oops, how can I have left the special breed - the GEPPERs - out of the equation! are you a Bronze, Silver or Gold for your physical fitness? are you PES A, B, C, D, E for National Conscription? are you a 5-room, 4-room, 3-room, 2-room or 1-room HDB dweller? again, any smaller you'll have to erect a hut and stay off Ubin. and again, im only kidding. are you in Special, Express, Normal (Academic/Technical) stream? are you going to SAP schools or neighborhood schools?

regardless of the stage of your life, you are carefully tracked, shovelled in and out of categories or labels. if you are male and 18, you should be awaiting for NS. if you are female and 18, you should be awaiting University. if you are 16, you should be taking O levels. if you are 12, you should be taking PSLE. for the vast majority of us, there is no unconventionality in this whole thing. in aggregate terms, life is predictable here. news events are not predictable, but the newspapers headlines are - will we ever have one that goes "PAP Minister caught lying"? No, I dont support even the sowing of anti-establishment seeds, but I think we should be bold enough to jostle. and oh well, the irony is, i might conveniently be labelled as pandering to western-inspired thought structures and models which do not apply to singapore, much like how the doctor who protested against the urbanization projects of clarke quay has been blackened and vilified by the mainstream media (yes, im still reading simon tay's new book).

i believe - and hope - this is only a temporary sentiment. for goodness sake, i just came back from a holiday from Down Under! so yes, i shall allow my potentially jet-lagged mind to rest well tonight and look forward to meeting my dear fellow singaporeans once again. photos soon :)

P.S: HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY NGIAM!!!!