hello,

A Lunar New Year away from home.

2012-01-23T05:19:00.003+08:00

This year, I am spending it, for the first time, in a Western country where the whole festive atmosphere and social texture are vastly different from back home. This is not a bemoaning of my current station in life but rather, a notable change and experience for me. I see it almost as a rite of passage. But it does make me think how profound the impact the environment can have on one's lifestyles, habits, customs and even aspirations. To make up for the otherwise forgettable way this traditionally significant period will be spent away from home, we will be having a steamboat celebratory dinner later this evening. Funny how this must have been how enduring racial enclaves first came about; faced with and surrounded by larger alien cultures, primordial sentiments reflexively clump together for mutual affirmation.

The new semester has been treating me well and while I am still fighting off traces of denial (that Winter break has come and gone!), I must begin oiling the academic machine in me to get back on top of things. As proof of the struggle I have against distractions of all kinds, below are some videos which I think all Singaporeans, in particular those born in the early 1990s, should watch; I was 3 when they were produced! It is certainly a pleasurable experience being thrown back into the era of unconsciously over-sized glasses, poky dotted dresses, center parting of the hair, bland HDB exteriors, Stop-At-Two campaign posters and more.

It was also very interesting to see how Catherine Lim (name was misspelled in the film), Prof Chan Heng Chee and Prof Lee Tsao Yuan have, on different counts, changed or/and not changed. It is also of interest how history seems, even on a micro level in our tiny red dot, to repeat itself. Calls for loftier nation-building aims, rampant today, are, alas, not new: "It is not bread and butter now, it is what kind of jam you're going to have."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNcHOXDUUP0&feature=BFa&list=PL9C1C644CC4212D45&lf=results_main

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iaj8Jl5XhiE&feature=autoplay&list=PL9C1C644CC4212D45&lf=results_main&playnext=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ss5BKt7Voek&feature=autoplay&list=PL9C1C644CC4212D45&lf=results_main&playnext=2

Such videos provide opportunities not to indulge in self-congratulatory back-slapping but a visual and thus more moving flavor of where Singapore came from and how best must we move forward. This has to do with my recent flirtation with majoring in History instead of/in conjunction with Political Science. I shall see where that leads.

Anyway, to end off, Happy Lunar New Year to all! May the Year of the Dragon bring renewed energy, greater prosperity and better health for all of us :) Xing Nian Kuai Le, Wan Shi Ru Yi! Cannot wait to Skype with the extended family later tonight when they will be all gathered, as per custom, at Kembangan.

brain burps after a semester

2011-12-22T11:34:00.002+08:00

Like your typical college kid, I am reveling in the happy aftermath of the semestral finals. Not that they went particularly well; among other subjects, I did Biology this semester and if you know me, you ought to know that, perhaps regrettably, a galactic distance exists between my core intellectual interests and the sciences. Nevertheless, in the somewhat trite (but true, I hope) spirit of a broad liberal arts education, I must say the experience had been a good one. The many connections between how our body functions and how human society and organizations operate were my key takeaways.

The American classroom - and I am necessarily generalizing and oversimplifying here - is quite distinct from the Singaporean one in which I have spent my most formative years. There is a greater sense of "intellectual flatness" in the former while "intellectual hierarchy" tends to be more pronounced in the latter with regards to how students and teachers engage with each other intellectually.

In the Singaporean classroom, or rather, in my own experiences of it, it is patently clear who's the boss: the teacher holds in his/her hands the sacrosanct knowledge which the students should seek to gobble up as quickly as possible. The Answer Scheme - prefixed and largely shielded from revisions, even valid ones - is the holy grail of most modes of examinations. This is not to say I have not experienced thoughtful instructors who engaged ideas more than they do iterations of facts; yet, they are notable precisely because they are the exceptions and not the rule.

Placing efficiency and focus on the pedestal is to be admired. It helps keep the discussion "on topic" and "wastes nobody's time". But the downside of such an environment must be acknowledged: without a suitably encouraging ethos of "feel free to speak up" (audibly as well as more literally, towards or against superiors - our Professors in this instance) the many mental gems buried in the students' restive minds might remain forever undiscovered and unnurtured.

Sometimes, the best thoughts are not best developed in silence or isolation. By throwing a seemingly unrefined or incomplete thought out there and then revising or elaborating it in response to others, one ideally plunges into a mental flow from which an otherwise latent or nonexistent insight can be fished. In familiar parlance, a person's comment can be say, 85% of "smoke" or "fluff" (and I know it can sometimes be very vexing getting through this portion of someone's speech) but if that is accompanied by 15% of "substance", I think all in audience will be the richer for it.

Now, I do not think the American classroom (or culture, for that matter) is perfect; it is far from it. Among other salient flaws, it can regularly be victims of fantastical and/or pretentious opinions which, in true "free speech" tradition, the teachers do not robustly strike down or correct. The belief seems to be that in a mass (and mess) of opinions, the law of average will work its magic and dilute extremism; sometimes such a scenario comes to pass, sometimes the said opinions are left to fester.

The above is, of course, purely anecdotal and personal. For one, I have never experienced a typical (if it exists) American high school culture and therefore, cannot draw perfect comparisons here! Just one of the few observations of my academic career thus far.

On another note, and it is perhaps a timely reflection considering MP Seng Han Thong's recent verbal gaffe when commenting on the SMRT fiasco, being an international student in the USA has heightened my sense of being a minority. It is also a happy coincidence that one of the overarching themes of my residential program this past semester has been on "Identity". When I was in DC a couple of days ago, I was lucky that the Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History was running an exhibition on Race. It helped to consolidate some of my thoughts about the issue which still occupies an emotionally explosive place in Singaporean society. Walking through the exhibition, I was constantly reminded of something I read from Wikileaks a few weeks ago and Alfian Sa'at's abandoned blog.

Minorities of all stripes and sorts will be the first to tell you that professed understanding and empathy without personal experience is strained rhetoric. The realm of public posturing and statements by public personalities is, almost by definition, fraught with hypocritical imperatives and impulses. Yet, can we really expect otherwise? That public personalities will say things as they truly are, blotches and all?

The pragmatist in me tells me that we would be lucky to have an approximation of the truth when it comes to issues as sensitive as race. All public personalities seek to rephrase, paraphrase, polish, conceal etc. so it comes as no surprise that MP Seng's comments rubbed so many, minority and majority races alike, the wrong way even if the underlying prompting is but moral illusion on the public's part; there is value in being delicate and nuanced in one's public expressions. The same logic applies to a politician from the ruling party, if only with greater intensity and implications.

Being a minority gives you a unique vantage point with which to view and examine the world around you. As long as it does not represent a glass ceiling, I actually think it is to one's advantage. A life led without such an experience is not a textured one. That is why traveling is, besides all its more indulgent aspects, to be pursued and loved. Since I titled this entry as a mere "burp", I am going to end it off lazily by way of a quote which is nevertheless profoundly wise:

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. - Mark Twain.

an identity still under construction

2011-12-16T08:25:00.000+08:00

By Alfian Sa'at

Singapore you are not my country.
Singapore you are not a country at all.
You are surprising Singapore, statistics-starved Singapore, soulful Singapore of tourist brochures in Japanese and hourglass kebayas.
You protest, but without picketing, without rioting, without Catherine Lim,
but through your loudspeaker media,
through the hypnotic eyeballs of your newscasters,
and that weather woman who I swear is working voodoo on my teevee screen.

Singapore, what are these lawsuits in my mailbox?
There are so many sheaves,
I should have tipped the postman.
Singapore, I assert, you are not a country at all.
Do not raise your voice against me,
I am not afraid of your anthem although the lyrics are still bleeding from the bark of my sapless heart.
Not because I sang them pigtailed pinnafored breakfasted chalkshoed in school
But because I used to watch telly till they ran out of shows.
Do not invite me to the podium and tell me to address you properly.
I am allergic to microphones and men in egosuits and pubicwigs.
And I am not a political martyr,
I am a patriot who has lost his country and virginity.
Do not wave a cane at me for vandalising your propaganda with technicolour harangues,
Red Nadim semen white Mahsuri menses the colourful language of my eloquent generation.
Your words are like walls on which truth is graffiti.
This has become an island of walls.
Asylum walls, factory walls, school walls, the walls of the midnight Istana.
If I am paranoid I have learnt it from you,
O my delicate orchid stalk Singapore,
Always thirsty for water,
spooked by armed archipelagoes,
always gasping for airspace,
always running to keep ahead,
running away from yourself.
Singapore why do you wail that way, demanding my IC?
Singapore stop yelling and calling me names.
How dare you call me a chauvinist,
an opposition party,
a liar,
a traitor,
a mendicant professor,
a Marxist homosexual communist
pornography banned literature chewing gum liberty smuggler? How can you say I do not believe in The Free Press autopsies flogging mudslinging bankruptcy
which are the five pillars of Justice?
And how can you call yourself a country,
you terrible hallucination of highways and cranes and condominiums ten minutes drive from the MRT?

Tell that to the battered housewife who thinks happiness lies at the end of a Toto Queue.
Tell that to the tourist guide whose fillings are pewter whose feelings are iron
whose courtesy is gold whose speech is silver
whose handshake is a lethal yank at the jackpot machine.
Tell that to my imam who thinks we are all going to hell.
Tell that to the chao ah beng who has seven stitches a broken collarbone and three dead comrades
but who will not hesitate from thrusting his tiger ribcage into another fight because the lanterns of his lungs have caught their own fire and there is no turning back.
Tell that to the yuppie who sits in meat-markets disguised as pubs, listening to Kenny G disguised as jazz on handphone disguised as conversation and loneliness disguised as a jukebox.
Tell that to all those exiles whose names are forgotten but who leave behind a bad taste in the thoughtful mouth,
reminding us that the flapping sunned linen shelters a whiff of chloroform.
Tell that to Town Council men who feed pigeons with crumbs of arsenic.
Tell that to Natra Hertogh a.k.a Maria who proved to us that blood spilled was thicker than water shed as she was caught pining under a stone angel in the nunnery for her husband.
Tell that to Ah Meng, who bore six hairy bastards for our nation.
Tell that to Lee Kuan Yew's squint.
Tell that to Josef Ng, who shaves my infant head amidst a shower of one-cent coins, and both of us are pure again.
Tell that to my Warrant Officer who knew I was faking.
Tell that to the unemployed man who drinks cigarettes smokes tattoos watches peanuts unself-conscious of his gut belch debts and wife having an affair with the Salesman of Nervous Breakdowns.
Tell that to our Maya Angelou's who are screeching like witches United Nations-style poems populated by Cheena Babi Bayee Tonchet Melayu Malas Keling Geragok Mat Salleh.
Tell that to the fakirs of civil obedience, whose headphones are pounding the hooving basslines of Damyata Damyata Damyata.
Tell that to the statue of Li Po at Marina Park.
Tell that to the performance artists who need licences like drivers and doctors and dogs when all they really need is just three percent of your love.
Tell that to the innocent faggot looking for kicks on a Sunday evening to end up sucking the bit-hard pistol-muzzle of the CID, ensnared no less by his weakness for pretty boys naked out of uniform.
Tell that to the caretaker of the grave of Radin Mas.
Tell that to Chee Soon Juan's smirk.
Tell that to the pawns of The Upgrading Empire who penetrate their phalluses into heartlands to plant Lego cineplexes Tupperware playgrounds suicidal balconies carnal parks of cardboard and condoms and before we know it we are a colony once again.
Tell that to Malaysia whose Desaru is our spittoon whose TV2 is our amusement whose Bumiputras are our threat whose outrage is our greater outrage whose turtles are weeping blind in the roaring daylight of our cameras.
Tell that to the old poets who have seen this piece of land slip their metaphors each passing year from bumboats to debris to sanitation projects to drowning attempts to barbed neon water weeds on a river with no reflections a long way off from the sea.

O Singapore your fair shores your garlands your GNP.
You are not a country you are a construction from spare parts.
You are not a campaign you are last year's posters.
You are not culture you are poems on the MRT.
You are not a song you are part swear word part lullaby.
You are not Paradise you are an island with pythons.

Singapore I am on trial.
These are the whites of my eyes and the reds of my wrists.
These are the deranged stars of my schizophrenia.
This is the milk latex gummy moon of my sedated smile.
I have lost a country to images, it is as simple as that.
Singapore you have a name on a map but no maps to your name.
This will not do; we must stand aside and let the Lion crash through a madness of cymbals back to that dark jungle heart when eyes were still embers waiting for a crownless Prince of Palembang.

Hello from Philadelphia.

2011-10-28T03:52:00.002+08:00

1 day to New York City: family time, interview Occupy Wall Street mobs (oops) for the Penn Political Review, first Halloween weekend out of Singapore, meet-ups and, oh, did I mention family time!

7 days to Ugly Naing visiting Penn.

8 days to confirming Spring 2012 courses. Always brimming with possibilities and hence, exciting.

27 days to Thanksgiving break in Orlando. Universal Studios and Disney World! Possibly Miami/Palm beaches?

44 days to the last of finals in... surprise, surprise, Biology! (for me, it doesn't get more liberal arts than this.)

2 months to Winter break in South America, mainly Nicaragua and Costa Rica.

8 months (?) to Summer back in sunny little Singapore, which will always be home.

There, a sweepingly broad update/outlook of my life here on this other side of the world since I haven't exactly checked into this space for a while now. College has been treating me fine, I am still trying to find my place in this gigantic world of Penn, but I guess that is largely the case for most kids starting university - nay, for most people starting new chapters in life. Academic routine is emerging and my brain feels - alas - tingled again.

Yesterday, I spent an hour jogging along the Schuylkill river just as the day was winding down with traces of crimson shyly dotting the clouds. It was one of the most invigorating runs I've had. Walking around the newly-opened Penn Park later that evening, watching kids play frisbee, soccer and football on the sprightly grass oozing a richness of life as only large expanse of nature can, I again felt that rush of invigoration which was, I think, simultaneously subtle and profound.

Maybe it really has to do with the unspectacular fact that my midterms are out of the way. Or maybe I was finally inching toward or settling into a comfortable rhythm of life here, fifteen thousand kilometers away from all that I had known and come to love. Or maybe, I was just being especially reflective because Mom and Aunt Seow Wah were visiting for the past few days. Anyhow, it was an enjoyably relaxed evening which felt good and inspired, if irrelevantly, me to make college to be all that I wish for it to be.

Hope that the folks back home are doing jolly well :)

P.S. 40 minutes to my political science recitation!

Hello, August one.

2011-08-01T02:26:00.006+08:00

August 2011. This was a month I had spent the past 2 years in anticipation of. You could call it the single greatest delayed gratification I have had to endure. I have attached such romanticized conceptions to this prospective overseas education, and life, really, for way too long and that has constructed a really surreal reality for me now that I am less than a month away from starting a brand (and hopefully a bold, bright, brilliant and all things beautiful) new chapter of my life in... the Land of the Free, Home of the Brave (I love this line; I am a sucker for lyrical, historical American PR).

So yes, the activities that I have been busying myself with are equally telling of this unfolding season. The past weeks have been spent on the MFA Bali trip as well as the Pre-Departure Course with MFA kids. I can say no more about the former besides it being an eye-opening experience. But to have them open is one thing, to have them glisten with youthful hopefulness and earnestness is another. I am not so sure if my eyes are all that positively moist. That notwithstanding, if you ask me, I'ld much rather a life led with little illusions than one with grand pretensions which enrich no one besides a fantasy or sci-fi novelist (which I am not and never will be).

On the latter, I have to say it was a surprisingly enjoyable week. A huge reason, as is often the case, has to do with the people with whom I spent the week. By and large a wholly agreeable bunch, with a few individuals who shared a deeper, more natural connection. This was not preordained. The skeptic in me had, almost reflexively, all defenses up at the sheer thought of another attempt at "team bonding, team learning". I was glad the skepticism got chipped away as the days went by, especially during the 3-day OBS course which was incidentally my first experience at high-elements activities. I would not rehash the somewhat motherhood lessons these activities reminded me of but suffice to say I saw bits of my younger self efface over the week, and I kind of like what I saw. Nevertheless, I also noted, silently and somberly, some profound differences between the person that I am today and two years ago. Sometimes I wonder: where did the seemingly vast reservoir of enthusiasm, ideals and fire disappear to? Has it been scorched dry beneath the sun of realism and impending adulthood? I hope not.

The weekend was largely a family affair, save for a poolside chat with Bryan in the wee hours of Saturday. At the family gathering on Sunday, I was told that on the shoulders of government administrators rests the "potential to do a lot of good for society". Overcoming pauses and tentative double-mindedness, I managed a "I have no illusions about the scope of impact I can make on society at this point in time", before adding something along the lines of "The civil service is quite deterministic." Again, I asked myself: where have all the idealism and beliefs - cornucopian in proportions a mere 2 years ago - gone to?

Well, for now, a week of soaking up the Singapore sun (and there is a lot of it to soak up, I kid you not) before Hong Kong and Krabi beckon. Adios!

college, to go

2011-07-23T00:29:00.004+08:00

So commencement day arrives, your work begins. Work that will not be always joyful to you. Labour that may not always fulfill you. And days that will seem like one damn thing after the other. Its true - you will now work every day for the rest of your lives. That full time job, your career as human beings, and as Americans, and as graduates of Yale, is to stand on the fulcrum between fear and faith. Fear at your back. Faith in front of you. Which way will you lean? Which way will you move? Move forward, move ever forward.

You must never ever stop defending your ideals and dreams. Believe and fight for something you can bequeath to those who come behind you and do not hesitate in your efforts because in the end, man's power to create is bigger than his power to destroy. You have to give meaning to your life and to do so, you have to embrace, with passion, the things that you believe in and that you are fighting for. Be sure of your principles, and never, never give up on them.

My first job as your commencement speaker is to illustrate that life is not fair. For example, you have worked tirelessly for four years to earn the diploma you'll be receiving this weekend... and Dartmouth is giving me the same degree for interviewing the forth lead in Twilight. Deal with it. Another example that life is not faith, if it does rain, the powerful rich people on stage get the tent. Deal with it.

It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. Its not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can be a catalyst for profound reinvention.

No specific job or career goals define me. And it should not define you.

You've been inspired by the experiences you've had, the people you've held, the blood you've shed, all the growing ups surrounded by hopefulness of spirit. You've been moved.

This path does not belong to your parents, your teachers, your leaders or your lovers. Your path is your character defining itself more and more everyday, like a photo that is coming into focus, like a color that becomes more vivid in contrast with its surroundings.

Bali Brain Burp 1

2011-07-18T00:09:00.006+08:00

So this is day 2 of my first ever "work" trip, staffing FM Shanmugam's trip to the 44th ASEAN Ministerial Meeting/Post-Ministerial Conferences/ASEAN Regional Forum at Bali, Indonesia. There, I just did you a tremendous favor by demystifying the alphabet soup of ASEAN-related acronyms... which incidentally also happens to be the story of my life in the past 2.5 months as an intern in the ASEAN Directorate at MFA.

Every bit thus far has been eye-opening by virtue of the fact that this is my virgin overseas MFA trip. An account of my experience at this point would be premature and I shall therefore not venture to narrate that. So, just a few food for thought, for now:

1. Resist the temptation to talk big and stick close to the core of your (preferably substantive and insightful) message. Sometimes, hyperbole reflects flair and assertiveness. Other times, it is counter-productive and should thus be avoided. Note to self: do not speak about "wars" when you are really talking about "battles"; do not speak about "battles" when you are really talking about "fights".

2. Singapore is incredibly small and this smallness has, for better or for worse, informed our self-conception, worldview and foreign policy. Do and can we genuinely appreciate the complexities and challenges that far larger countries face? We would be wise to always bear in mind that we are a city-state void of both the advantages and disadvantages of being a big place with chronically competing power centers and huge internal developmental gaps. To effectively safeguard and promote one's national interests is the overriding aim of any good diplomat. Yet this must not be conflated with adopting hermetic diplomacy because our interests do not exist in isolation from larger and oftentimes domestic factors in other countries. This, to me, seems to allude to developing greater strategic empathy.

3. Our domestic (economic and social) successes remain key to ensuring other countries take us seriously. I am beginning to be thoroughly convinced that certain refrains ("small states have no inherent relevance to the world", "to survive, singapore must always be exceptional" etc.), popular among bureaucratic circles, are pregnant with hard truths which we ignore to our peril. "Power projection", in our case, is less about a physical show of strength (though that is still very important for our close bilateral dealings) but more about bolstering credibility and cementing reputation as a world-class oasis in a developing region. In short, a failed small state cannot punch..., much less above its own weight.

Time to head to bed now. Tomorrow marks the start of the flurry of meetings proper when all the ASEAN FMs arrive. Pardon my youthful idealism but I am honestly quite thrilled to be part of this delegation.

what is your vision, mr prime minister?

2011-07-01T02:49:00.001+08:00

http://www.wttw.com/main.taf?p=42,8,80&pid=Bb_F60BuZxmaasvF426xsDW1q29ULdTS&player=Chicago-Tonight

"i think there is no final vision, this is a city which is always work in progress, which we hope will always be changing, transforming itself, an outstanding living environment in the tropics where people can fulfil the human spirit. there will be opportunities, there will be prosperity, there'll be a sense of equality and participation, and there will be talent who are living here, who are creating things here, who are making ourselves useful and relevant to the region and to the world."

college

2011-06-26T05:26:00.002+08:00

and a LOL one

9 more weekends

2011-06-21T11:05:00.001+08:00

I have 9 more weekends in Singapore before the land of the free, home of the brave comes calling!

Already, I foresee serious introspection and reflection coming my way. Does not help that, independent of departure, I already have many, as it were, food for thought about the next chapter of my young life.

Thoughts of yesterdays (indeed, the long tomorrows too) have been snarling at me of late. So much so that I feel a profound need to consolidate them, achieve some semblance of neatness, tidiness. And the rare, but somewhat pre-ordained in retrospect, visit to Bryan's church on Sunday has helped make up my mind about going on a solo trip to, tentatively, Laos.

This thought, latent for the longest time, was first resurrected when I was in Cambodia with Jarren and Bryan earlier this year when we dropped in, completely spontaneously and randomly, at this really quaint and cool quasi-resort/hotel which was nestled (not merely a literary tool, I really mean the word) in a seemingly shoddy locale around and in which we were cycling.

Truth be told, I am very, very excited about such a sojourn before I leave, in distinctly more permanent ways, for the US. I shall start making concrete plans! Alas, something to look forward to.

hope of a better age

2011-06-13T00:00:00.000+08:00

i miss my raffles days. the unbridled zest and drive to participate, galvanize, mingle and grow. most distinctly, perhaps, is not the mere doing of these things, but rather to be in an environment which has, pardon the hyperbole, an electricity in the air; a community of people who take seriously their pursuit of excellence. but alas, i recall the wise words of John A. Shedd: A ship in harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.

a sense of proportion in promoting proportional politics

2011-05-22T02:27:00.004+08:00

people make all sorts of mountains out of molehills when the occasion or the stakes call for it. the theatrics of elections further dictate so. we should applaud the vigorous airing of legitimate concerns over costs of living and more abstract issues like singapore being fashioned too much like a profit-driven entity and not an inclusive society, as it should rightly be. there were some heartfelt cries for the political priesthood to "reform" (always a loaded term in politics, more so in clinical, pap-dominant singapore) and realize that a disconnect between the subjects and the political royalty is insidiously growing, alongside the stellar economic growths.

on this note, the admission by the PM himself during the swearing-in of his new "reshuffled" cabinet says as much: at this juncture of nation-building, singaporeans aspire for a society and home which, while founded upon solid material wealth, goes miles, if not meters or at least, inches, beyond that hitherto sacrosanct obsession. or, as michael barr of The Interpreter puts it, "The world's most successful marriage of modern capitalism and electoral authoritarianism has just been tripped up."

but what irks me is when someone mindlessly brandish an idea so grossly ill-fitted to our own, present circumstances. it is mindless because it simply does not make sense to oppose and counter-propose for their own, ignoble sake. it is mindless because while comparisons across countries is always a tricky affair, some lessons we can , and therefore should, glean from other societies' failed experimentations. case in point: calls for singapore electoral system to change from first-past-the-post (fptp) to proportional representation (pr). essentially, the protestations revolve around "the pap has won only 60% of the votes but occupies 93% of seats! this is so unfair, undemocratic!"

with an overwhelming racial majority in the chinese, what do proponents of the pr system envision our political competition to be like for non-chinese candidates? to cite the examples of JBJ's historic 1981 win in anson or more recently, michael palmer in punggol is to obfuscate an enduring, if sorry, fact of life: a swallow does not make a summer. indeed, two swallows do not make a summer, too! the contexts in which those victories by minority candidates took place are almost always singularly glossed over: the rushing tide of democratic aspirations in the former and the dynamics of a 3-cornered fight in the latter, amongst other salient context- or candidate-specific factors.

a more pedestrian and modest approach to assess the relative merits of both systems would simply be to ask: say we had a pr system for the may 7th GE, who are the 34 opposition candidates (40% vote share of 87 electable parliamentary seats) that you will want to see in parliament? or, to flip it the other way, who are the 34 pap candidates you will want to be out of parliament? admittedly, there is easily a handful of names one can think of for both lists, but 34 of them? i think that is a tall order, in the here and now. until the "here and now" changes (and they have proven to be able to change quite independently of major, top-down electoral reforms), the calls by certain quarters to replace the system of fptp with a pr one do not enrich much.

of course, just as one can find an article expounding on the rightness of jihad (or any other pursuit which most demonstrably will distress the general person of sound mind and character), one can always find an article espousing the opposing school of thought w.r.t pr vs. fptp, but i thought this is just a preliminary food for thought for those of us new to this topic: http://economics.about.com/cs/issues/a/proportionalrep.htm.

hard truths

2011-05-15T02:08:00.000+08:00

as we grow up, there is an exponential amount of hard truths we have to learn, internalize, manage, confront and above all, come to terms with. for me, saturday afternoon was one such exercise in bringing certain realities and truths into sharper focus.

but in pausing, i realize too that the world we inhabit today would not have seen much, if any, meaningful change if cohorts of young men and women merely stuck to truths passed down from days of yore without critically examining them and, more importantly, having done so, stand against inherited information and robustly challenge its continued merits and relevance, if they indeed prove to be wanting in those aspects. alas, such talk is cheap and without a backbone. do we have it in us to be that outlier at some points in our lives? or do we, to the bereavement of youthful idealism, conform to achieve a neat fit?

this is not a reflection triggered by the currently evolving and fluid political architecture of singapore though i concede some parallels are plausible. but that is another entry for another day, when my mind is clearer and my heart, lighter.

uncharted territories

2011-05-09T18:17:00.000+08:00

1) the barriers to entry of political discourse have been significantly lowered, for better or for worse.

it does not take a publishing house with a full arsenal of editorial capabilities for one to put out and promote political views. technology in general and the legalisation of internet campaigning in particular mean that anyone can be part of a political debate, any time, any where (you dont even need long-suffering hong lim park)! just log on to facebook, twitter or what-have-you and tada! a wannabe journalist in the making. (OK, i know there is a trace of irony here.) the problem with this is, with the mass, it becomes challenging to keep out the mess. and you bet there is a lot of mess out there, issues get obfuscated in the cacophony of opinions. hey, dont get me wrong; i am all for a fair and thorough airing of informed and rationale views. but what must be expected is that in the marketplace of ideas, you can definitely count on some inconsistent renegade to peddle nothing but populist rhetoric which leaves none of us the wiser. esp in a small, compact society like sg where sentiments get amplified... (try having a full blown domestic quarrel in your 4-room HDB flat, you'll know what i mean) and you can bet that whenever there is a next perceived policy slip, the political consciousness of people will be enhanced by - no prize for winning this - social media platforms. the egalitarian vision of technology/internet being the grand equaliser of humanity might be realized, albeit in a diluted fashion, for a lesser cause.

2) the yardsticks by which we size up or judge our public office holders are increasingly digital, especially for the incumbent.

recall the ones who were on the receiving end of disproportionate attention throughout the past few weeks since political parties started introducing their new slate of candidates. you can be a president's scholar, a saf overseas scholar, a former top brass of the military (in fact, The top brass), of rafflesian stock... but all that counts for nuts if you just have a very public misstep or two, a Freudian slip, if you like. once it is on film, it is immortalized. that immortality, when replayed and remixed relentlessly by psuedo witty commentators of the day, chips away at your cloak of impeccable paper qualifications or previous achievements. granted, for to hold public office, one must be able to conduct oneself reasonably well under the public glare. but i'll be worried if the trend ahead is an overemphasis on acing that first interview, charming that group of reporters (or - gasp! - online reporters) or making a pretty speech with lots of hot air and fist-punching, chest-thumping. that makes for vibrant politics, but does not perpetuate a system which makes it easy for serious-minded people to consider jumping into the fray. but alas, some will say that in this changed polity, the ability to PR is no longer a quality to be relegated to the periphery but one of the most central ones. i just hope we do not become an "obama" nation.

3) the opposition has a brand name! (much like the incumbent.)

think of untainted integrity. think of white-donning technocrats shaking your hands. think of the former high-flying scholar-turned-politician. what do you associate that with? in the domestic political landscape, the above has come to be so commonly associated with the PAP you'ld think they have a unchallenged monopoly on them! but no, ge2011 has shown us, inter alia, the PAP does not claim sole access to the talent pool. the opposition has put on their fishing gear and is willing (and able) to get wet while netting around their next big catch. and, what's more, these are no longer the "classic" opposition candidates of an erstwhile era: the quintessential disgruntled singaporean ah pek. a brand new supply of well-qualified professionals seem to be breaking down the invincibility of the pap in terms of attracting credible people. the WP is a symbol of this profound shift: in every constituency where it contested in, even with relatively fresh faces, it has managed to pull in over 40% of the votes. that is indeed quite a sombre reality for the PAP to deal with as the opposition is no longer a loose coalition of impotent actors; a brand name is emerging and the consumers (you and i, when we come of age) are responding well (or badly, depending on your political persuasions...). you could demolish a personality, but you cant quite demolish the brand as easily.

more random thoughts but this shall be the end of this current brain burp. end of the working day! janson and arun are waiting for me to knock off. LOL.

post GE2011; the next lap

2011-05-07T18:25:00.001+08:00

q: how do you engage young people, the next generation to come into, have the political engagement?

a: that's not for me, that's for my successors. people now in their forties and fifties. i'm over 80. i leave this to them, to decide. they have to decide how they have to rearrange the social compact.

circa 1990, déjà vu? reform or refinement of authoritarian compact

2011-05-07T01:25:00.005+08:00

so here we are, at our inaugural Cooling-off Day, after what was arguably one of the most keenly fought general elections in singapore. 9 days of theatrics, diatribes, analogies (some witty, some not so) and rallies later, this tiny red dot is soberly standing as a lone actor upon the grand stage of democracy, albeit an illiberal one. some of my peers have commented that for many of them, this has been some sort of a "coming of age" for the otherwise latent and placid citizen in them; interest in civic engagement has climbed, not dropped. i can only surmise that for our "democracy" to shed its apostrophes and take off, this can only be a happy state of affairs... unless of course we fall prey to the classic flaw of democracy taken to the extreme: a well-organized, populist minority (galvanized by race, language, religion or other conceivable primordial categories) drowns out the voices of the silent majority.

there is a whole school of thought out there which unflinchingly endorses interest groups/lobbyists as a legitimate feature of a well-functioning democracy, but for tiny singapore where emotions and effects are easily amplified due to our sheer compactness, i am not so sure we can take the democratic experimentation that far. short of a well-oiled lobbyist machinery, the other sad scenario for us will be a permanently divided political landscape where groups and parties ceaselessly agitate the ground, jump onto issues and campaign for keeps, both in elections or non-elections times. then i recall the wise words of an older person who said that elections were never meant to tear the country asunder, beyond all possibility of building consensus which is one of our greatest, and perhaps only, competitive and strategic advantage against larger countries. there is always a need to close ranks after the curtains of the hustings are drawn, not as PAP white-donning supporters or as angst-venting WP/SDP/SDA/SPP/RP supporters, but as singaporeans.

rachel chang of the straits times wrote a piece in the GE2011 iphone app titled "time for a new social compact" which i thought was excellent. im not too sure how old she is but she clearly belongs to the much touted gen Y of singapore's demographics. in summary, and im not doing her essay justice here, she argues that the time is ripe for a rewriting of the, as it were, social compact between the leaders and the led. it adds to the chorus of an emerging wisdom that post GE2011, politics cannot be business-as-usual. with the widespread use of social media platforms, most noticeably amongst the younger, IT-savvy generation, a whole new web of human relationships and interactions have been spun. concomitantly, people are influenced and energized much more easily and frequently. people rests at the very heart of politics, and this ground change must be recognized.

as a young singaporean, i read minister george yeo's open admission of the need for "reform" within the PAP with eager anticipation. the old method of a strong government hand has worked well for us, guided our little sampan through stormy weathers, but 50 years on, it seems that the occupants of that little sampan, ordinary singaporeans molded in an entirely different fashion from the previous generations, are itching for change. not change that will sink the ship, but change that is needed to make singapore more than a dwelling place, more than a national, sovereign entity, building it to be less of a "house" and more of a "home", with "heart".

by its sheer longevity, the PAP's place in the pantheon of politics and political parties throughout post-Westphalian history is not a question. apart from media bias, a less-than-perfectly-level electoral playing field and other digs one might commonly throw as the PAP, it has succeeded so spectacularly because, above all, it has been an enlightened authoritarian regime. it is our good fortune that the founding fathers of modern singapore were indeed men of steel, vision and competence, not in this for vanity or indulgence.

so yes, they ruled with an iron fist, but one can also argue that with the kind of power that the PAP had amassed and consolidated by the 2nd decade of independence, it could have done a hell lot more to enrich itself and abuse those powers. a dosage of practical, good sense always prevailed when it comes to wielding its powerful stick. of course, for those whose livelihoods and lives were destroyed by the PAP in singapore's earlier darker history, each incident of "abuse" was one too many. but my hope is that this time round, they will display more of that practical, good sense and recognize the ground reality for what it is: singaporeans crave for a more compassionate government which does not just rule with the hand and head, but with the heart too. if this has been a recurring theme since time immemorial, then thanks to technology, this clarion call was louder and clearer than before. the PAP will ignore these stark ground realities to its own peril.

but, lest we get too enamored by signals of glasnost being sent from within the establishment, we will do well to tamper those expectations (sorry, skeptical gen Z citizen at work) by recalling an earlier era where singapore's politics seemed poised in that very direction, too. and that was none other than when we ushered in our second prime minister, goh chok tong, in 1990 against a backdrop of promises to open up, liberalize and consult - a "gentler" style of government. how that flirtation with "glasnost" turned out in the end we all know too well, as a certain catherine lim will certainly attest to. of course, the devastating 1991 elections dealt a blow to the reform agenda which was presumably peddled largely by the 2nd generation leaders.

as the 3rd generation leaders inch toward their halfway point of rule and the purported 4th generation leadership comes on the scene, it is timely that we revisit the idea of a renewed "social compact". for it to truly hold water, it must be one forged openly. the PAP should not try to outwit the electorate (as it has always been perceived to try to) by happy declarations and motherhood statements, but allow voices of the people to genuinely pierce through the thick armor that the opposition claims to be surrounding the hallowed halls of that plain-looking building in new upper changi road. i think there are credible personalities in this new crop of candidates to begin this conversation with a new, younger generation of voters.

to be sure, it will be a long conversation with many pauses and reflections. but it is one which must take place sooner rather than later, if the PAP is serious about rebuilding the reservoir of goodwill and trust between itself and a whole new generation of singaporeans who desire a different type of leadership to bring singapore forward in a world they perceive as different.

this time round, a mere refinement of authoritarianism will not produce the type of responses it previously did. technology will not allow so and only a reform agenda perceived to be genuine and enduring will. regardless of the election results, if it is back to business-as-usual after another comfortable margin, the democratic instincts will be impossible to tame and 2016 will then be the true watershed.

in the spirit of questioning

2011-05-02T01:58:00.010+08:00

to my immediate social circle, my political persuasion is no secret (political persuasion is different from political conviction, though). nevertheless, if i am able to vote in GE2011, i dont quite think i fit neatly into the "swing" category that analysts, commentators and journalists have very cleverly (perhaps rightly, i dont know) created. in that sense, im under no "democratic" illusion or pretension. i very likely will, barring unforeseen circumstances of seismic political or personal significance (i believe the feminists of '60s, '70s was being v prescient when they said "the personal is political"), vote for the pap. so at this point, with the above preface, the rest of this post can be rubbished as merely yet another "blindsided" perspective of a deluded kid (for the uninformed, i am all of 21) yet to meet with the perils of working life, for which the pap - and only the pap, the opposition seems to be saying - must be blamed. but thanks to the (comical) flood of young, "post-75" or even "post-85" candidates in this election, i think i have my license to muse, too.

so i was at the marine parade GRC rally on saturday where sm goh, for a fleeting moment in the heat and dust of an election campaign, injected a heavy dose of rationality into the discourse by focusing our minds on a very critical question which, sadly but not unsurprisingly, often gets buried in the thick of nightly verbal warring: "has any candidate from the opposition party, or has any opposition party, told you about the challenges facing singapore? have they warned you about the storms ahead? have they explained to you that singapore is an abnormal country, a very small country, and we're very vulnerable to events outside? they have not."

it seems like the opposition - all of them - is campaigning in an international vacuum. it is as if the world beyond our 700km-square of territory is completely and easily ours for the taking and making. it is as if this sovereign entity - Singapore - only has internal, domestic concerns to deal with in the long haul. it is as if, inter alia, matters of foreign affairs do not surface in their supposed new vision for singapore. why the scant, indeed zero, mention of such issues? do they offer a differing vision for singapore beyond our shores (and, that is an enormously important vision that a tiny red dot like us need to get right.)? should they not? after all, they entered the general elections on the happy premise that this time round, the opposition is unprecedented in terms of quality and quantity - in the mass of this quality and quantity, has not one serious person put his mind on matters of foreign affairs? the nearest they have got to this is to trivialize the matter through the personalization of the aljunied contest (where foreign minister george yeo is standing).

BUT ALAS, realism slapped me in the face and i end up asking myself, "what the hell was i wishfully hoping for?" in this game, it is only natural for any political party to campaign on issues close to the hearts of the great swathe of voters. few, save for those from the diplomatic establishment, will be engaged on these matters. so, granted, it is not politically expedient to mention these matters. it is far easier and sexier to continue drumming up support on rehashed lines of angst and frustration. i am not saying there is no place for these bread-and-butter issues. you bet there is. but what i am saying is, it simply does not tally with the highfalutin aspirations which the workers' party, or in fact the whole opposition, has expressly called their own: "first world parliament", "credible co-driver" etc.

to fashion themselves as agents of change, as a plausible governing entity, the opposition must demonstrate the ability to paint on a broad canvass, one that stretches from said bread-and-butter issues to weighty items for deliberated consumption. on the first count they have done, as one'ld expect of the opposition, brilliantly. on the latter, i am afraid they have failed spectacularly... unless of course, in the next 4 days of campaigning, someone in the mold of chen show mao will assert his considerable intellect to address these issues. it cannot, or rather, should not, just be a trade of words and splash of sweat, tears and saliva. a first world parliament cannot be founded on that premise, and the same must be said of a first world election campaign.

refer to the 7th minute of the clip onwards.

Aljunied

2011-04-30T02:14:00.004+08:00

motherhood statements like "the quality of the opposition is just run-off-the-mill!" or "the pap all so smart!" have been unfashionable for a while now, if only because, on balance, the overall quality of singaporean political discourse has improved concomitantly with overall education standards. (as an aside, this begs the question of which party engendered the domestic climate conducive for these great strides in human development in the first place?) nevertheless, besides the erstwhile potency of the barisan socialis in that bygone era of revolutionary fervor, in the past slightly more than 5 decades since self-government, singaporean voters have never quite face a choice like this time round, and Aljunied, for better or for worse (i am predisposed to the latter, though) has become a dramatic symbol of this binary tussle.

granted, one will be hard pressed to, in characteristic pap style, cut down to size the WP's team in aljunied GRC. the 3 shiniest stars in their constellation, veteran low thia khiang, sylvia lim and chen show mao are lauded for different reasons. the first two have proven their mettle and performed fairly credibly their role as one of the rare opposition voices in the House, while the last has been the recipient of disproportionate public intrigue and media attention because of his sheer impressive credentials (as another aside, this also begs the question of which party has fostered a political culture that rightly values and rewards a distinguished pre-politics track record, as opposed to, say, mere speech-making ability, as an approximation of that person's suitability for higher public office?). indeed, a reflex kiasu singaporean response to mr chen show mao's acute sense of civic-mindedness and active citizenry can be that he is "too good to be true", reminiscent perhaps of the potential contexts which gave birth to the popular saying of "there is no free lunch in this world". does chen show mao have a clandestine agenda of personal legacy, political ambition etc., some ask.

i personally do not think so. it will require too mammoth an effort, above and beyond that of one general election, to kick start the journey toward a grandiose legacy. and if he can stomach the perils that come with it and still succeed, well, then maybe he deserves that sort of legacy after all... but, in this specific context of aljunied, i am forced into a "lets see if this chap is for real" stance. essentially, for reasons to numerable for me to list here, i do not wish to see george yeo out of the government. that starting point dictates that the wp's "A" team be kept out of parliament, in this election at least.

i would very much like to see how chen show mao will react to this, for in his response rests the litmus test of his intentions for deciding to join politics. i know the detractors will say that this ignores two points: one, wp aljunied represents the opposition's best chance of winning and if unelected, there is a real risk of complete pap parliamentary dominance, and two, this is not just about chen show mao vs. george yeo but what about low thia khiang, sylvia lim? highly oversimplified, but i would say the enlarged ncmp openings will already ensure greater debate (just without votes on constitutional matters, motions of no-confidence and the budget) and strengthen the parliamentary expertise of the opposition (as compared to what has been largely an explosion of "grassroots mobilization" expertise this election) to enter the next elections in a stronger position, as sylvia lim has, relative to 2006.

but, all said and done, discarding rationality for a moment... i really wish to jot down for posterity's sake how sad i will be if george yeo is out of parliament, and by extension, of the ministry of foreign affairs :(

sound bites

2011-04-25T00:53:00.002+08:00

although you and i, on a cerebral level, all jolly well know that sound bites and selective quotations shed more heat than light, i must confess i laughed a great deal when i opted for the more lighthearted online reporting of sg elections. at least, this is thinly veiled cynicism packaged in a form way more palatable than the usual heavy-going, sledge-hammering effluvium of opposition's minds. watch the video below!

i do hope, though, that some spoof can be made of the ridiculous "candidate-sharing" enterprise between RP and SPP: i suppose it is practically and politically expedient for the opposition to cobble together a contesting team this way, at the eleventh hour and in full public glare no less, but surely the justification comes undone on the philosophical and principled counts. but again, singaporeans' lack of outrage, or even the raising of an eyebrow, shows the reality of double standards that the ruling party must live with, as it is expressly (perhaps regrettably?) clear that voters, out of a curious combination of sympathy, angst and perhaps even just a pedestrian tendency to root for the underdog, cut the opposition a degree of slack... which might not square with the grandiose vision of a truly First World Parliament.

the stuff that makes an election

2011-04-21T01:52:00.002+08:00

double standards exist, and come election time, they snarl their ugly heads so prominently it ought to make repulsion course through our blood. but no, election time is precisely when double standards, cunning, showmanship and more of these somewhat suspect qualities come to the fore, regardless of political affiliations. but then again, oh well, elections are such monsters: a dizzying and sometimes confusing exercise in public relations, perception molding, personalities enlargement and policy contention.

anyhow, just two examples off the cuff:

the PAP has come out strongly to defend ms tin pei ling, in response to the online backlash her candidacy has unleashed. amongst other arguments like the need for the ruling party to signal that young people's aspirations matter, the PAP, indeed ms tin herself, has also played the "time will tell. let her prove herself to the residents" card. it has also criticized the destructive, vitriolic fashion in which netizens have commented on her character and ability. while not totally without merits, these arguments nonetheless do not square with an era where PAP played hardball politics and amongst other assaults on an individual's character and ability, unabashedly fish out the academic transcripts of opposition candidates (mr. chiam see tong) and compared him unfavorably with their all-As candidate (mr mah bow tan). aspersions have also been relentlessly cast on opposition candidates' motivation/character, sometimes likening them to thieves bent on getting a ticket to parliament for the sole purpose to dip into our financial kitty. most incoherently, this call to allow PAP candidates time to "prove" themselves while in parliament runs counter to the whole "you-cannot-let-opposition-learn-on-the-job-because-government-is-serious-business-with-no-margins-for-error!" point that PAP dangles about triumphantly.

the opposition, more commonly associated with speaking the "truth" and shedding "light" on official darkness we mere mortals are not privy to, is also not immunized from double speaking. the WP, in their first candidates introduction, went out of its way to reinforce the point that a mistake on the part of the WP is less consequential than for the PAP. that makes sense because, well, the PAP is and will, in all likelihood, continue to be the ruling party. but, when contrasted with their missionary claims to provide singaporeans with "political insurance" and a "first world parliament", this stance of "our-mistakes(in candidates selection)-are-more-pardonable-than-those-by-the-PAPs'!" becomes problematic: why will anyone buy insurance from a company that has such a disclaimer, a gaping escape clause, if you like? a "first world parliament" ought not to merely score on the "diversity" count; quality is, on any day, of far greater importance. when pressed to elucidate on the WP's selection process, the response was neither enlightening nor assuring. in some sense, being the opposition in this PAP-dominant landscape is not without advantages: you are less likely to be held to account of your campaign promises because their failure can always be attributed to governmental obstruction. so let us not allow wool to be pulled over our eyes: the opposition is not as victimized or disadvantaged as they would have us believe, and their usage of "selective responsibility" often goes unnoticed.

in the beginning, there was LKY

2011-04-20T02:34:00.004+08:00

of the many pet peeves i confess to having, this has got to be one of the more enduring and salient: i get easily irritated when I discuss politics with people who place "democracy" on a super pedestal, unabashedly decry the lack of "alternative voices" in the Singapore narrative but yet do not have in their grasp at least a considerable understanding of the so-called "establishment" opinions. they proclaim the importance of hearing "both sides of the story" and i am all for that. but, what i have unfortunately encountered is that in their zealousness to hear out the opposition, they have, consciously or not, grossly simplified the rationale behind certain government policies, resorting instead to the fatal and selective usage of (opposition) sound bites.

what then, are the "both sides" in contention? just because the straits times does not count amongst its strengths investigative journalism and sensational reporting does not make it a de facto sycophant. the online media (including what you read on my blog haha) is not always a unflinching adherent of factual, credible reporting just as the mainstream media isn't always a mere mouthpiece of the government. the distinction is not black-and-white, but really, as with most human affairs, grey. and as society evolves, with greater demand for "balanced reporting", calculations of self-interest will prompt the mainstream media to adapt to this change. it means that, if anything, reporting of domestic politics can only be more, not less, balanced.

sure, this is part of a larger debate of the role of media in our society. related questions like whether media should adopt, to the very last and rigid letter, the role as a Forth Estate as in America? indeed, are the ideals behind the forth estate aspiration even plausible in a multiracial society where major fault lines, as we are incessantly reminded, still exist? but i am unable to competently discuss this issue because im no cherian george.

what i do know is that it is always more fashionable to be the rebel throwing, from a comfortable distance no less, sticks and stones (thank you, Rihanna) at the edifice of nation building than to be the mass of laborers toiling away at the backbreaking enterprise. to further buttress my point, consider what Zeuxis said in ancient greek wisdom: criticism comes easier than craftsmanship. of course, constructive criticism helps the craftsman improve but sadly in politics, the critique is never satisfied with being just a critique, now and forevermore. it is a tussle for power and influence, and the critique is always hoping for the craftsman to trip, as it admittedly has from time to time, such that the critique can on a fine and dandy day finally be the hand sculpting the stone, molding it in a fashion, i pray, it sincerely believes is right.

this then begs the question of how truly "constructive" can criticism be in the context of hardball local, national politics, parties versus parties? casting our eyes across the pacific (which is, incidentally, where most such admirers of democracy love to take reference from), i am hard pressed to think of a "constructive" criticism the republicans have offered to the democratic administration on hot-button issues. if they were to be truly "constructive" from without, then surely the ruling party stands to gain when it actually delivers? unless, of course, every "constructive" criticism's effective change is accompanied by a hardcore PR blitz to let people know that this positive change was really affected by "constructive" criticism from an opposition. that makes, in the long run, a really fractious political landscape, which, i am afraid, is precisely what tiny sampan like us cannot afford, while a supertanker, aircraft carrier like Uncle Sam can.

to end off, i think all seeking a "balanced" view should add THIS to their online viewing diet, on top of the largely anti-establishment staples.

leadership, as a kid

2011-04-18T03:46:00.003+08:00

when i was a kid, loosely defined as during my primary school years, i had, happily, many opportunities to try my hands at being a leader. i would be at the height of unwarranted presumptuousness to dish out any real solid advice on the heavy topic of leadership; what it is, what it takes etc. for my life experiences are simply too numbered to matter.

but what i would venture to note is what leadership is not: it is not about conducting surveys and simply adhering to it. i believe we can all recall times in primary school, when, be it in capacities of class monitor, group leader, event in-charge or prefect, we had to make a decision collectively as a team. things like what skit will the class perform for the inter-class competition, what song will the team sing/dance to for a performance, or what color should be on the team's official flag etc. retrospectively trivial, these experiences nevertheless taught me a couple of things on leadership.

to my younger and more simplistic mind, whenever my teachers (who, for whatever reasons then, always appeared infinitely smarter and wiser than us, haha.) implored us to become better leaders, i sometimes invariably ask myself, "what's all that jazz about being a monitor or project in-charge? i simply have to collect and present the options, write it out on the white (or chalk, depending on which era you come from) board, and ask for the classmates to vote. whichever option receives the most support, as defined numerically, shall be what we will do."

and indeed, there were many instances where all i did as a student leader in primary school was to, bluntly put, conduct a survey of the donated options and stick to it. while proponents of full Westminster democracy will hail this as ingenious childhood education, my lessons are on the contrary. a leader should never just be someone who canvasses for plausible courses of action, conduct a straw poll, and declare the most supported one as the way forward. doing so makes you popular, but no one - certainly not those whose longterm livelihoods rest on your decisions - is the richer or wiser for it.

as what former chief of army and now pap candidate, chan chun sing, said in his somewhat chest-thumping and supremely assured style, there is the "thesis", there is the "anti-thesis", but the job of a leader is to propose and promote a "synthesis". maybe marx said it first, and more elegantly, but i digress. therein lies the enormously difficult task of persuasion. true, remarkable leadership, i believe, does not simply seek to go out of its way, bend and suit whatever directions the populist winds are blowing. of course, in a democracy, we are not talking about winds but groups which shout the loudest. this is classic critique of democracy, and i risk belaboring the point, but nevertheless, it is true that more often than not, in a democracy, it is those with the financial resources which will shout the loudest, drown out the silent majority and create an illusion that they hold in their visions the best compromise or consensus for everyone. the other classic critique being the idea of the tyranny of the majority (they vote to annihilate/destroy/plunder!).

so, while i am still on this endless journey to grasp leadership's more nuanced sides, what a random primary school recollection jolted in my memory is what leadership is not. on a grander stage, political leadership in singapore's 12th general election, at least for the incumbent, is also not about pandering blindly to the growing chorus of "we want an eventual multi-party system", but to chart a path (that of a dominant, strong government ruling with peripheral opposition presence and power to act as, essentially, venting pipes and watchdog) which they believe is right for singapore, which, as a small dot which shares a pathetically asymmetric relationship with her immediate neighborhood and indeed, the wider world, does not truly have the luxury of multiple options for her various, fundamental policies.

someone wrote in the Today paper some weeks back arguing that the new generation of savvier voters thirst to see in their prospective 4th generation leadership men and women who can not just administer, but also inspire. and to inspire is to sell a refreshed vision of singapore coherently, comprehensively, with conviction and compassion. it is a tall order, and if demonstrably fulfilled, i will have lesser qualms about political appointees who, collectively, earns nearly S$60 million annually. heh. (http://160.96.186.99/reports/public/hansard/title/20070409/20070409_S0005_T0001.html#1)

then, and now

2011-04-14T05:29:00.002+08:00

on tuesday, i was at wheelock's borders chiefly to use up the remaining monetary value in a borders card i chanced upon while clearing my room last week. as it was a weekday afternoon (my favorite time to roam the streets alone) where most ought to be/are gainfully employed in their respective careers, borders was considerably empty. i ended up spending the next 3 odd hours there, scanning through some books in the history section. there was this wonderful book by the National Heritage Board/National Archives, The 2nd Decade - Nation Building in Progress, 1975 - 1985, prominently displayed on one of the central shelves in that section. i highly recommend it for its expansive scope, delightful anecdotal recounts and wealth of pictures documenting the heady days of singapore's nation-building then. More information here: http://www.nhb.gov.sg/NAS/1stcab/7585/index.html.

with every page i flipped, i was constantly nudged to remember (or should i say imagine, since i was perhaps somewhere in the space of biological nothingness then) the enormity of all that had been achieved, in so short a time, on this little red dot we call home. visible quantitative and qualitative improvements - educational institutes, recreational spaces, defense systems, industries, hospitals and homes - have been eagerly made since we were, to borrow a somewhat theatrical lexicon, "turfed out" of our geographically natural hinterland, Malaysia in 1965. from the outset, singapore had to be unique in its policy position, both domestically and externally, for indeed only a tenuous distinction exists between them. to be successful overseas, singapore must be stable and sound internally and that means communist agitation, political unrest, industrial strikes etc. must all be thrown into the ash heaps of history.

as a result of dedicated, visionary, if heavy-handed, leadership which sought to maximize the opportunities available to singapore, standards of living vastly improved for one and all. in retrospect and comparison, singapore was fortunate to count amongst our founding fathers (sorry for the latent sexism!!!) some of the most enterprising and able people we had. this is a contentious point, but i am dead convinced that they, under the broad and glaringly white banner of the PAP, got the fundamentals right for our fledging nation. this is all the more precious when one considers first, the long list of failed states across the globe and second, the odds stacked against singapore. it seems to me, then, that there is nothing quite basic or simple about the "basics" of building a nation from almost literal and figurative scratch.

of course, these superlative socio-economic achievements did not come without a price. the primacy of economic development in those days, or so the government argues, required a political leadership that was nimble, efficient and united. unfettered democracy, at least in its infancy, does not produce "nimble", "efficient" or "united" governments. by extension of the same logic, the PAP ruled with quite an iron fist, bulldozing through policies it believed was for the long-term survival and good of singapore. the 1981 watershed Anson by-election in which JBJ broke the monopoly of PAP's parliamentary power can possibly be interpreted as singaporean's growing unease with a seemingly authoritarian government. in case you're wondering, no, the book does not include the less positive sides of the critical 2nd decade.

before i get too carried away rehashing some of these historic narratives of singapore, i must interject with my experience of teaching kong hwa p6 students on wednesday. i was a relief teacher for a science enrichment class and the topic for the day was magnetism. of all the other principles, that which struck me most was that the further one gets from the pole ends of a piece of magnet, the weaker the magnetic force. i thought this an interesting parallel or paradigm through which to view what is happening to singapore's politics as we approach our 46 years of independence: the further we get from the unquestionably successful nation-building days of the 1960s, 70s and 80s, the weaker the sense of gratitude or indebtedness singaporeans have for the PAP.

there was a time when the PAP could just silence detractors with robust claims of "track record", both on a local and national level. while that is still a trump card in the incumbent's huge arsenal of election-fighting apparatus, it cuts less ice with the singaporean voters of 2011. in a sense, the growing skepticism for the PAP is very much, ironically, the result of its success (of nurturing an educated and well-traveled population). in fact, the entire "soft, complacent singaporean" syndrome is also a result of PAP's wildly successful economic programs delivering uninterrupted material progress, save for the shock years of oil crises, potential epidemics, regional instability and global terrorism (find me a government that manages to immune its people from these and i suggest you immigrate).

but the larger point is this: with the phasing out of the old guards (1st, 2nd or even the current 3rd generation of leaders), lesser and lesser PAP candidates can lay claim to the remarkable track record of the party, at least with regards to its role as the primary body improving singapore. in other words, the new generation of PAP candidates cannot afford to display even the slightest iota of inherited arrogance, even as it may be forgivable for the old guards to indulge themselves with such congratulatory back-slapping from time to time. more than ever, the qualities of hard work and humility come to the fore. no one owes singapore a living, we are incessantly told through national education messages, and by the same token, no one owes the PAP a right to govern singapore, even as it has done so spectacularly in the founding days of the republic.

the above trend can only intensify with each passing year, as younger singaporeans increasingly form a larger proportion of voters. we do not have a first-hand experience of singapore's ertswhile poverty and we therefore cannot be expected to be equally grateful to the PAP political entity as the older generation might be predisposed to do so. if anything, until we start to settle down in, say, our early thirties, we might never fully appreciate the foundations laid down so strongly by men and women from the PAP. from the eligible voting age of 21 till then, there is a good decade or so in which at least 2 elections will have to take place. as much as voting should be an exercise of rationality, it is also a highly emotional affair for many.

the new PAP candidates of tomorrow, especially the purported 4th generation leadership, must take cognizant of this and develop strengths and niches which will allow them to earn the trust and respect of the people. they can no longer expect to enter parliament on the coattails of the PAP "brand" which had been assiduously developed by the previous generation. In short, they must be able to stand on their own (figure of speech, guys. i am not discussing GRC or SMC here!) and be counted as strong individuals within the context of a strong, diverse team.

scholastic politicians

2011-04-12T02:53:00.003+08:00

today was a very socio-political day for me, though i managed to get some morning fresh air (mornings existence is pretty rare for me these days, considering i run my own life haha) at chinese garden with cj and lunch at jam-packed raffles city with jarren. spent the vast portions of my day in relative comfort in the public viewing gallery of the parliament house, though. if i had half the intention of leaving during the break time, the heavens wouldn't have that. it was pouring, as they say proverbially, cats and dogs and the prudent choice was to stay on. i thought i might be a first-hand recipient of news of parliamentary dissolution and declaration of nomination day, but fat hope. i should have known, since there was scant public presence at today's sitting. but i got to meet a few interested members of the public with whom i had the usual "elevator talk" i.e. conversations you make when in the same confined space akin to an elevator, but not always literally so.

well, this coming elections have been dubbed a "first" of many kinds. besides the legislative relaxation governing how (electronic/virtual) campaigning can be conducted and some other fringe changes (e.g. candidates can now address their supporters at the Nomination Centers) , i think what is more arresting is the, i contend, unprecedented show of ex-government scholars on the opposition slate. the political brouhaha first seeped through in feb 2010 when the Reform Party under Kenneth Jeyaratnam (brainy son of opposition icon or "martyr" JBJ) announced "prize catches" of Hazel Poa and Tony Tan, both of whom were recipients of top-tiered government scholarships in the past. to add insult to injury, the former was even an ex-Administrative Service officer, the echelon of singapore's civil service.

and then of late, the other opposition parties also grabbed headlines (as much headlines as the mainstream press is willing/able to concede to them opposition) with their introduction of - gasp! - more ex-government scholars on their team. of course, there is Chen Show Mao, who is not technically an ex-government scholar (Rhodes scholarship is not endowed by a government but a trust) but still possessing all the attributes one commonly associate with a government scholar - impeccable academic and co-curricular transcripts. boy, he was the top scorer in his cohort's A levels! but i digress.

so add to the fray a couple more scholars (SPP's former OMS holder, Benjamin Pwee, and another from DSTA) and you get quite a messy matrix from the government's point of view. of course, the official stance will be to look beyond the paper qualifications (some say, "the irony!") and assess the candidate's ability to actually run a town council, commitment and passion. but herein lies the paradox: hasnt the government always held up scholars to be not just possessors of paper qualifications but also of sound character and untainted integrity i.e. willing and able to contribute to singapore.

on another note, the institution of scholarship has been nurtured to its presently semi-hallowed status in the singaporean consciousness as a deliberate (and wise) policy to ensure top brains work in the public service for the larger good of the country, especially in the dizzy initial years of nation-building. but, incidentally or not, the political leadership's penchant for inducting top civil service brains into politics has, over the many years, resulted in a somewhat symbiotic relationship between that institution and the public image of a competent, indeed brilliant, political creature in the form of the PAP. by being able to continually inject top civil service brains - more often than not, government scholars - into politics, the government ensures that singaporeans, almost universally enamored with the scholarship institution, continue to view the collective PAP slate in glowing light.

of course, there is nothing inherently wrong with this arrangement, if and only if the PAP continues to attract good people - scholars or not - into her fold and field them. that important qualification has, on balance, been met satisfactorily over their slight more than 5 decades in power (counting self-governance in 1959). and so, it is in this context that the ruling incumbent must craft a coherent response to the reality of ex-government scholars daring enough to stand as opposition members. coherent in the sense that it must not diminish the institution of scholarship by harping excessively to the tune of "look beyond academic credentials...". yet at the same time, it cannot appeal too zealously to non-scholastic attributes, lest one forgets that, all said and done, the PAP still has the lion's share of such "government scholars". that is precisely why eyebrows are raised when one of these scholars appear not in characteristic political whites.

is this the dawn of a new era in our society where the purported best and brightest seek ways to contribute to singapore other than establishment-sanctioned ones, where there is an emerging new definition of what meaningful civic engagement - with teeth when and where it matters - really entails? if it is, we are in for a time of profound change in our societal values, which might not necessarily be bad for the maturing of singapore's political landscape. but one election is one too little from which to draw such profound conclusions and i will be foolhardy to insist/predict. i shall leave it to the sociologists and political scientists to illuminate on these matters in the coming months and years.

on a completely unrelated note, I AM LOVING THIS POST-ORD LIFE.

pandora's box

2011-04-08T00:10:00.002+08:00

in domestic political parlance, there is such a thing as the OB ("out-of-bound") markers which carve out or define, self-evidently, the contours of discourse acceptable in our uniquely singaporean context(s). i recall that when some old(er) VS boys threaten to take the co-ed saga to the streets back in 2005/06, even internal security was on the look-out. protests, even/especially disparate and sparse efforts, are like the pandora's box; you dont really know what you've let out until it becomes a monster taking on a magnitude you're are hardly prepared for. to be able to witness a protest for myself is still one of my "must-do" when i head overseas (important qualification there, haha) but if the idealist inside of me ever get too dominant, it should be tamed by what i just watched in desperate housewives season 7 episode 10 (http://www.freeonlineepisodes.net/desperate-housewives-season-7-episode-10-down-the-block-theres-a-riot/). whoever would think that it offers political insights too?!?! LOL.

anyhow, some random thoughts from quite an intellectually enriching late morning/early afternoon at the ministry. the opposite of an idealist is often said to be a realist. to paraphrase a saying popular in singapore's diplomatic circles, it means seeing the world as it is, not as it should be. "realpolitik", beyond brute, material strength, also implies a clinical assessment of world affairs and raw power play. yet i think sometimes, realism can be but an expedient cloak for bigotry and arrogance, as spectacularly shown by assange and friends. to conclude this hastily... we all need people who will nudge us from time to time when we display an unhealthy level of such proclivities. thank you in advance, friends!

to carry the ground

2011-04-06T04:32:00.001+08:00

of late, with the bells of singapore's 11th general elections ringing, i find myself immersing, sometimes by choice but oftentimes fairly randomly, in political chatter with the people around me. including, of course, the classic taxi drivers who opine about political affairs with such a vengeance you wonder if he realizes the taxi industry, while heavily dominated by state-owned/linked entities and therefore with such a configuration's attendant faults, has been deliberately kept completely "singaporean" i.e. he is not remotely at the risk of job loss, which, if you consider how overriding the hallowed principle of (economic) pragmatism is in singapore, should make him feel that less disenfranchised. in case you misread me, i do, in fact, greatly enjoy my chats with most taxi drivers. to paraphrase fareed zakaria, to get an approximate pulse of a country, there is no better way to start than sitting behind in a car. when it comes to politics, the loquaciousness which will flow from the driver's seat does, in fact, shed quite a bit of light.

but i digress. as i was saying, from my individual perspective, it is interesting to contrast the level of political interest in the previous GE in 2006 and the upcoming one amongst my immediate social circles. i speculate, then, if it is inevitable that as we grow up, we get more seized up by all things political, and that the longstanding assumption of political apathy is, in fact, questionable. on balance, though, the technological and policy liberalization of our domestic politics in recent years has certainly helped foster that greater awareness.

so, i find myself learning of more of my friends' political inclinations, a hitherto unknown terrain in our social interactions, and of the many budding conclusions i may draw, the most significant one is that people do recognize the need for opposition, even if only for opposition's sake. anecdotally speaking and therefore lacking in statistical backing and rigorous research, most people i speak to recognize that no matter how brilliant the incumbent (and no honest person seriously doubts the ruling party's collective brilliance, academic or otherwise), it is not immuned to having blind spots, be they enforced ones by the party Whip or natural ones by means of common, systemic socialization experiences.

on this note, what the WP is propounding - of having strong, plausible alternative government in the long term - cuts ice with the voters. it is well on its way, if it is not yet already, to becoming the most "credible" and "constructive" opposition party in the land (terms first dished out by the PAP and now, curiously, happily adopted by the opposition) and has smartly capitalized on the greater media exposure it obtains through their parliamentary presence, elected or not.

the competing vision, though, is that singapore, by a sheer game of numbers, can never truly have two teams equal in competence. the analogy of every country fielding it's one best team, though overused and somewhat inaccurate, does contain a sad truth a dot like us faces with regards to native talent. unlike the chiefs of say, temasek, you cant parachute in a foreigner for political offices, for reasons which are self-evident. yet some contend that this is but a vision characteristic of the incumbent playing bogeyman. it is important to get this vision right, to forge a consensus, if possible, because the long-term vision requires short-term work, now. if we believe that somewhere down the line singapore would be in safer hands if there is a "back-up", then we owe it to ourselves to cultivate this "back-up", most directly through parliamentary experience as i believe it toughens, challenges and ultimately, strengthens, as it clearly has for ms sylvia lim.

yet at this point of theorizing, you see once again the genius, or guile, of the incumbent for it has, prudently and wisely, accepted the fact that singaporeans - either increasingly affluent/well-traveled/educated or disenchanted due to financially frustrating existence - want the opposition in parliament. of course, it has been a fact of life for a while now (go study the percentage of votes the PAP polled, or failed to, at all past elections) but i think in the era of strongman politics and urgent developmental goals, the official reaction then was to fight back, suppress, silence and get on with the job of filibuster-free governance (that is why we have a political backlog of grievances and some contend, profound injustices. but alas, that is a separate matter for a separate post, if i ever come around to it.)

in the present era, with the need to be, or at least appear to be, responsive more critical than ever, the PAP has moved away from blunt, heavy-handed moves (as it has since the dawn of SM Goh's "gentler" style of government). i think it is prepared for the vision of a stronger opposition come through but to dilute it (buying time for ever greater progress and development, perhaps), the number of non-constituency members of parliament was increased to at once satisfy the intellectual preference of voters who crave for opposition presence in parliament, toothless or otherwise, and to foster a political landscape which will potentially accept the opposition as "inferiors" and "non-equals" to the ruling party, now and forevermore.

yet such an arrangement, in a cynical calculation, will always push the opposition to the periphery of political relevance and power since they cannot vote on key matters... then i recall the (pragmatic) words of our former AG, prof walter woon, that a small/weak/compliant opposition is better than no opposition. how seriously are we prepared to "divide" talent and form a viable, if weaker, alternative team for singapore? that, to me, is the key question we have to ask of ourselves in this upcoming elections.

http://www.channelnewsasia.com/gecountdown/forumvideos.htm

g'day mate

2011-03-22T01:29:00.000+08:00

What seems very likely to be my last post-ORD trip (sigh) is finally here! Down Under, here we come. Till 1st April, people.

Taking peripheral stock of.

2011-03-17T02:43:00.002+08:00

Thanks to Steve Jobs and his brilliant team of Ivy League smarty pants (or less dramatically, the technology of internet tethering on iPhone), I am able to surf the net comfortably off my laptop - a luxury, if you consider that my internet at home has been down for the longest time, relegating me to using my iPhone to surf the net for the past few weeks.

So technological/technical glitch and angst aside, life has been pretty decent. Truth is, it has been since I walked out somewhat triumphantly and quietly overjoyed from the jail that was my army camp. Okay, it wasn't ALL that bad but the thing with hindsight is that, while we are given to wiser conclusions, it inadvertently also obscures and dilutes the intensity of our feelings/thoughts then. Some parts of life must be remembered in all their glory and gore.

The Weekday Afternoon Existence (it is such a brilliant time of the day, if you think about it harder, and so I shall give it a Name) - WAE - has not disappointed me one bit. Not an iota of disappointment, I must reaffirm. You know how easily that which we zealously look forward to end up underwhelming us, leaving a unsavory, bitter aftertaste in our hearts? How excessive artificial expectations serve as the undertakers of our visions and dreams, burying it six feet under after we briefly felt and lived them? Well, ladies and gentleman, fortuitously or otherwise, the ORD experience thus far has NOTHING. It has, at least for a month on, been a narrative of simple joys, meaningful pursuits and overall rejuvenation. Smiling to myself for no rhyme or reason as I walk on the streets is something that I, due to my exquisite education in prevailing social mores (HEH), do not indulge in often. But when I do, it sure means (sorry to rehash this positive trite) LIFE IS GOOD.

The VS camps over the past week also brought back many fond memories of our younger days where greater spontaneity characterized our every careless and good-spirited action. VS really has been an awesome chapter of my formative years, and I can only hope to continue giving back to it in any (small) way possible.

In other news, my Down Under getaway next week finally took on more solid shape today after the 4 of us met up at Gerald's house off Club Street (what a f**king fortunate boy, living in a vicinity like that). I love these guys and I am always thankful that despite the ordeals, OCS gave me friends like this. Friends for whom I am willing to risk sounding completely pretentious and use the word "Freemasonry" on. LOL.

Well, taking a peek into the foreseeable future, after the Australia trip till April, life takes on a different form of routine. I will be beginning my internship at MFA at the end of that month and before long, I will be following in the footsteps of my many friends who have gone before me - life in suitcases. Ah, I shall not commit the fatal mistake of bitter old men and look too far into the future... living in the present (responsibly, though) is also something we all can do with more. I am sure the Japanese in the affected prefectures have gleaned some insights of this basic truth. Bless them.

Tomorrow is Singapore Biennale with the VS guys! And then dinner with some much missed RJ assholes. Goodnight and good luck, people.

Go Gaga

2011-03-05T23:29:00.001+08:00

Just finished watching Tan Pin Pin’s Singapore Gaga. And I must say it was “experimental”, “avant-garde” all right. It was pretty haunting though, to watch a film this unorthodox about a topic - my country, my home, where I grew up thus far in – this familiar. After all, familiarity breeds contempt and in this instance, that general rule applies. Perhaps we, or just I, have been too used to discussing Singaporean society in comfortable and all-too-familiar refrains; clean, green, fast, small, stable, predictable. Anyhow, the characters featured in the film are really but an inviting glimpse of the many unconventional Singaporeans out there. No, contrary to popular opinions, there are such Singaporeans living, breathing, eating, juggling, selling, composing, performing, roaming and seeking, just like you and me. We just don’t have the social bandwidth to make connections with them, or indeed, with the very idea of being off the path because – surprise! – practical, quotidian preoccupations overwhelm us like a rock star to his awed crowd.

When I travelled around parts of Southeast Asia in the past (slightly more than a) fortnight, I deliberately tried to make these connections, albeit not strictly with fellow Singaporeans because of the sheer dearth in our numbers in these places (I am almost certain that I will have better luck if I was touring in say, New York, London or Tokyo since we are famous comfort tourists) and I must say I was pleasantly surprised by the reflections and insights such encounters evoke within me. The whole time I could not quite shake off what Damon Galgut wrote in In A Strange Room – the trials and tribulations of travel, the rewards and rejections of homelessness and the pleasures and punishments of rootedness. I don’t mean I was incessantly bugged by Galgut; his writing was a diplomat, not a dictator, with regards to how frequent and intense it surfaced in my head.

So back to the movie (or film, if you like). Scratch beyond the musical thread which seems to be the main commonality running across the different personalities and their stories, you unravel a deeper layer of the Singaporean psyche, one that is, in the words of the director, “resilient” and “patriotic”. Granted, those are hardly the words one intuitively associate with Singaporeans, judging by how coddled and compliant we are. Yet, a sense of independent-mindedness, if only vague and a variant of, never escapes you as you watch the personalities go about doing what they do: performing triumphantly without a license, plonking oneself in the middle of a HDB void deck in midday to play a mini piano, confidently denouncing the colloquial intonation of the people, or in the case of the otherwise docile and wheelchair-bound tissue paper seller, proselytizing in public (an act officially prohibited).

We need more films like these, to help catalogue, probe, evoke and define our collective experiences and memories. Films are by nature more accessible to the general public than the written word. Chuck the disc into a machine, hit the Play button, and you are ready to go. Books, while equally if not more enduring and profound than a cinematic experience, are fine and dandy but requires far more effort to get through and to. Let the films pique the interest, and let the books lead the pursuit on. Man, do I wish to be a teacher in a classroom sometimes. No, not in a Chemistry or Mathematics class, thank you very much.

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness - 11th Feb 2011.

2011-02-09T14:17:00.000+08:00

lib·er·a·tion /ˌlɪbəˈreɪʃən/ Show Spelled[lib-uh-rey-shuhn] Show IPA –noun 1. the act of liberating or the state of being liberated. 2. the act or fact of gaining equal rights or full social or economic opportunities for a particular group. e·man·ci·pate /ɪˈmænsəˌpeɪt/ Show Spelled[ih-man-suh-peyt] Show IPA –verb (used with object), -pat·ed, -pat·ing. 1. to free from restraint, influence, or the like. 2. to free (a slave) from bondage. 3. Roman and Civil Law . to terminate paternal control over


	i have never felt this alive in a long, long time. "out of army yi tiao long", oh yes indeed :)

outfield, to go

2011-01-17T23:55:00.002+08:00

–verb (used with object)

to quell, crush, or end by force: to stifle a revolt; to stiflefree expression.

to suppress, curb, or withhold: to stifle a yawn.

to kill by impeding respiration; smother.

–verb (used without object)

to suffer from difficulty in breathing, as in a closeatmosphere.

to become stifled or suffocated.

ZEN

2011-01-15T03:48:00.001+08:00

it has been a long time since i can walk into and out of that place with this state of mind. but i guess, when the light at the end of the tunnel is burning brighter and brighter... you can only be glad. come on, 10 more real/working days in this green of a mess. hur hur.

in other news, thanks to all who came down on wed for my 21st. admittedly, i was overwhelmed throughout the night, but it is the ultimately happy sort of overwhelming. thankful to that special few who made it possible :) profuse apologies for the "gross underestimation" regarding food haha. in my (weak) defense, i've never been known to be mathematically inclined. LOL kidding.

now that new legal obligations are mine, i shall endeavor to be a wiser and happier boy. oops, i mean, man. HAHA welcome to the adult world, kiddo. how the day itself turned out was quite symbolic of this adult world, fingers crossed.

THANK YOU GUYS. goodnight now!

GUYS, LETS UNITE IN LAUGHTERS.

2011-01-09T04:13:00.000+08:00

HAHA sorry youtube is an amazing world. pls watch this, guys. DAMN FUNNY LOL.

antidote

2011-01-09T03:44:00.001+08:00

just as i was about to turn in, i chance upon this clip. whatever your woes, trust me, it shall provide you with a laughing relief. kids say/do the funniest things... time wears us down :(

today was quite a strange day, but oh well, life goes on.

bon voyage yilin! probably up in the air now toward narita, and then edinburgh. airports/departures... rite of passage.

goodnight!

finally, here it comes.

2011-01-04T00:49:00.002+08:00

this is probably a tad late (we're already into the first working week of the new year LOL) but well, here is the customary new year's post. there was an enormous lethargy to write today. after all, after this morning's surgery, im effectively functioning with one hand. that notwithstanding, here we are in 2011. a friend in the uk cynically commented "happy new year, though whats the diff?" his nonchalance about a brand new year's dawn, especially against the face of the usual profusion to the contrary, gave me pause. but in the end, i shrugged off the whisperings of the latent old soul within and carried on with the festivities. though the way i counted down to the new year, for all intents and purposes, was more old soul than not; i was barely high even though i was in a bar, drinks and all. as far as symbolism goes, it shall be a clear-eyed year.

the way i crossed into 2010 was, of course, vastly different. the impending gloom then was enough to make my stomach churn and my soul heavy. in retrospect, cadet times were such a blur. re-reading some of my older entries here, i shudder to relive and rethink those stuff. it was, in some amateur sense, a fight for survival. LOL.

im not really given to making lists for my personal life. the same cannot be said for my current pseudo professional (read: army) life. but that's a saddening and frustrating matter not fit for a largely celebratory piece. so yes, as i was saying, lists. no big to-do lists, except to wait things out. ORD (chiefly). southeast asia trip. australia trip. relief teaching. GE volunteering. mfa attachment. vs 135 book. ora youth. unread books sitting temptingly on the crowded shelf. throw in a couple of school camps in between those. sounds exciting, and frankly, i cannot wait to reclaim my life after i throw away the greens. damn, have i unwittingly created a list already...

anyhow, to sum up, and if you are interested enough to know, i shall have to borrow what lorraine wrote in her christmas card: off to bigger, better things.

THANK YOU 2010 FOR THE INNUMERABLE LESSONS LEARNT, OBSTACLES OVERCAME, FRIENDS MADE AND RETAINED. HERE'S TO A BETTER, BIGGER YEAR, EVERYONE!

This is an apt photo for the new year... and all that it represents! fingers crossed.

of a better place and time

2010-12-21T23:48:00.003+08:00

finally, some things (and thoughts) to make me sleep that bit more happily and soundly. i shall get to bathing soon haha i'm still in my no.4 pants. this is my second last duty, i cannot wait to march triumphantly, if enormously irritated, into the twilight of this 22-month green journey. and oh, seoul/winter there was pretty awesome - though i hasten to add that koreans, like singaporeans, can do more with service standards and general courtesy.

as an aside, the wallpaper on the desktop of this army computer reads, in unfussy black and white, "When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty." if thou are on the same page (of the same book, to be sure) as I, then you'll see the utter irony of it all. i was honestly quite amused when i first saw it.

as a concluding aside, please do NOT watch Tron. it was one of the most painful cinematic experiences in my life. the plot, while brimming with potential, was clumsily executed, poorly acted and lazily developed. im no production guru or rotten tomato, but please take my word for it when i say that the only remotely redeeming quality about it are the digital effects and funky soundtrack. there were countless times i just wanted to stretch my hand into the movie and move the plot (and actors) along, or slap the characters for their indefensibly illogical decisions.

dear Lynn Senior, if you could do what you did at the end of the epic struggle before Flynn Evil could grab Flynn Junior (plus the last remaining ISO - what a daft name, too), why waste the preceding years? dear Flynn Evil, if you could page Flynn Junior and entice/enthrall him to enter your alternate realm that easily and have both original Flynns entrapped, why did you not do it earlier, when Flynn Junior was younger and thus presumably more vulnerable to your evil plots and fatalistic games?

sorry, i dont usually write about such stuff, but i thought it is only fair that i dent a bit of the show's reputation in my little space in exchange for putting me through such intellectual and creative torture. exasperating would be a fitting word here. P.S. i watched it only because, by way of democratic selection, my dear friends insisted. heh.

okay, goodnight.

goodbye singapore, hello seoul

2010-12-11T22:25:00.001+08:00

and in a few hours' time, i will be on the jet plane. but for want of a lyrical continuation (think Armageddon's sound track) of that opener, i do know when i'll be back. but till then, i really do intend to disconnect from all that's crowding my life in tiny sg and refresh my senses. i hope the korean tourism board's tagline ("be inspired" or smtg) really comes true for me :)

travelling is pretty magical and all the more with the right company and the right weather. heck, it's probably freaking cold now in korea, even as the political situation on the peninsular is heating up. as an aside, i would have convinced the other 3 to go visit the DMZ with me if not for these unpalatable recent twist of events. oh well. but no worries, we've already registered ourselves with the embassy, like true blue contingency-countering singaporean youths.

goodbye!

there must be

2010-12-01T00:35:00.002+08:00

there must be an epic song written and sung specially for rainy nights, when the soul is lazy and the flesh is weak. where the toiling bodies yearn for rest and the scattered mind settles down. when this zone prevails, i somehow end up feeling pensive about things - people, places, projects, phases...

today was one such day. despite being off work an hour earlier, it was quite a straining day mentally thanks to the usual irritations of my office life being compounded by an impending driving test (which i eventually missed) and the larger blocks of issues, unresolved and restless. life does go on, but the fashion in which it does is highly suspect.

i am always amused, sometimes tragically, when i see parallels between my personal life and the sociopolitical trends around us. in this case, albeit only a glimpse, flicker of parallel, the seemingly intractable israeli-palestinian conflict comes to mind... how do you discuss and focus on resolving on a specific topic when it is all, truthfully, intricately interwoven and interdependent? to divorce an issue from another in a larger mess is sometimes the hardest part of conflict resolution. quite glad sg adopted this ideal when dealing with the malaysians back in GCK's 14-year tenure. see, told you i randomly draw such parallels or associations (sometimes erroneously, i admit).

the final month of the decade has begun, and before long, a new year - brimming with possibilities - will be greeting us in all earnestness. another season is gone, with yet another coming in. at least my december looks set to be pretty good - due chiefly to trip to korea from 12th onwards and traditional christmas dinner with the vs guys. the vs135 book project is beginning to show progress and plans for post-ord jobs/internships trips are also underway. not too shabby, you'ld say. i hope so too.

goodnight, and good luck!

in the not-so-distant future, i sing

2010-11-24T23:23:00.001+08:00

Hail Pennsylvania (The Alma Mater of the University of Pennsylvania)

Words by Edgar M. Dilley, 1897

Hail Pennsylvania, noble and strong
To thee with loyal hearts we raise our song
Swelling to heaven loud our praises ring
Hail Pennsylvania, of thee we sing.

Majesty as a crown rest on thy brow
Pride, honor, glory, love before thee bow.
Ne'er can thy spirit die, thy walls decay
Hail Pennsylvania, of thee we pray.

Hail Pennsylvania, guide of our youth
Lead thou thy children on to light and truth.
Thee when death summons us, others shall praise
Hail Pennsylvania thro' endless days!

spent almost the entire day (by virtue of the most sacrosanct practice in all conscript armies - Smoke Out!!) on the web surfing around for my prospective accommodation come August 2011. i must start to do some serious planning with regards to the next (arguably most novel) chapter in my life. hehe, i sound so much like an excited college kid. well, take it you old dirt bag, for i sure am :)

these thoughts, though, mingles awkwardly with my daily (green) reality, speaking of which, tomorrow i am on duty again. kiss goodbye to yet another promising night. but alas, the end is near. LOL.

goodnight and good luck!

2010-11-19T17:57:00.000+08:00

so mawai was indeed everything i expected and more. the camaraderie, the cheering, the campfire, the cock-ups (megan! punjit! E.Y.P etc.!), the whole atmosphere... it was hardcore nostalgia for me. and i believe for the other four with me too. well, some things (more regimental practises like falling in, accounting for strength etc.) have changed, but it is not too disconcerting on the whole because i feel the biggest basic point to be conveyed is that sense of school spirit. so long as that idea, that elusive concept is now less vague, less remote, less abstract than before the camp, i think we're fine. i do believe we are more than fine. secondary schooling days and experiences, in hindsight, contain much influence on us indeed.

coming back to the (drab and green) reality of the twilight of my conscription life was soured, not unexpectedly, by the 10 missed calls i've received halfway into the camp. sometimes, even though my thinking faculties rationally think otherwise, i really think this whole military enterprise is run on the breaking backs of conscripts, especially conscript officers. of course, i am speaking not from the enlightened vantage point of an army scholar (no thanks, though, haha!).

the year is drawing to an end in roughly more than a month's time, and the routine pensiveness is slowly creeping in. broadly, it has been OK year. pluses and minuses pretty much balance things out, and i guess what is important is how much we have grown in our perspective of ourselves, the people around us, and life as a whole. i shall not dabble further into premature ruminations now.

some local news, albeit disturbing, do make me pause for a moment and think about how easy it is for us (yes - us - singaporeans, esp...) to judge others. it seems like everyone of us simply has no qualms about donning on our underserved robes of justice at the earliest signs of someone else's (public) folly and mistakes. perhaps our collective voice of condemnation seems louder by virtue of how amplified noises often get in a small space (singapore is unequivocally geographically minute and in quite the same way, the politics of envy can threaten to split the island along its numerous faultlines, real or imagined), but i am disheartened by how some of the people around me can public-bash so well with no consideration of a very fundamental issue: what if it were you?

this reminds me of the classic biblical parable whereby Jesus challenged someone, anyone, who is untainted by thoughts and deeds of sin to stone a lady who's just been found guilty of adultery. to clumsily paraphrase orwell's (in)famous line in Animal Farm and to incur the wrath of hardcore theologians, i believe that all sins are equal, but some sins are more equal than others. let's not get too slapshot on ourselves and demand the people around to be Gandhi or Theresa incarnates. i know that i have a geat deal of work to do with regards to my tolerance level too.

heavy thoughts aside, it is a friday and the weekend is here once again. kudos!

mawai, to go.

2010-11-13T23:09:00.000+08:00

tomorrow shannon, jarren, bezzy, naresh and myself will be reliving some good old secondary school days leisure and life by making a trip (literal) down mawai/memory lane. this time round, though, in entirely different capacities.

the last time i went to mawai was after O levels, with a few of my VS buddies, where we trekked, hiked (okay, not really...), sang, swam like carefree post-examinations teenagers, eager and energetic for adventure. well, we havent exactly aged drastically since but the sense that life has passed you by, time has moved along, slipped through your hands is palpable. i cringe - part embarrassment, part delight - when i recall how my own LTC experience was. for an impressionable 14 yr-old, it was pretty damn defining.

so here we go, round and round, from red to black and now, green shirts. the next 72 hours or so will be some of my favorite hours in a long, long time.

nil sine labore, and goodnight :)

do you?

2010-11-05T02:18:00.004+08:00

i just came back home from dempsey's (bryan's favorite new hangout place... the times are surely changing) with some of my closest friends. but what bugs me is not whether or not social smoking is acceptable, even from a purely health-centric perspective (let's not discuss the ethics, if any, behind the action), but rather, how do we actually know someone? or worse, how do we know we know someone?

i mean, sure, for my best friends, i can easily predict their reactions when faced with adequately classic situations like a failed examination, an bellicose act of aggression, an rebuff or rejection, and the likes. hell, i think i could even confidently predict (most of) their replies to issues or incidents. but, what is gnawing at me is the unyielding fact that, when all is said and done, the only person privy to all our innermost thoughts - in their rawest, most original forms, at least - is truly, well, ourself.

at any point in time, tens or for a particularly imaginative mind or moment, hundreds of thoughts bubble about in our minds, some for a fleeting second, ephemeral and inconsequential. others, slightly more persistent and grab more of our attention. yet some others which completely compel us to verbalize it and simply demand some sort of cognitive reply or response to it. but the point is, there are dozens of thoughts and feelings left unsaid, unshared. can you, therefore, really read someone and tell for sure what is going on in his mind? it must be quite a feeble and superficial mind, no?

it's just like if you are able to get into a relationship (or firm friendship) with someone you've barely met - say, for 2, 3 months - than i also maintain that either party (or, tragically, both) has extremely simple - simplistic, really, - personalities/characters that can be sufficiently comprehended in that terribly short amount of time. paris hiltons, in short. (but lest i get dethrone involuntarily from my moral high horse - evidence from last friday's drunkard stupor - , allow me consciously step down from it and set foot on firm ground and pronounce that, yes, we've all had our moments. some longer than the others, though.)

and everything is sent into topsy turvy mode more so when you encounter complex people. now, what is the world without the rich fabric of all types of peoples - complex ones included? the drabness of our lives - wear and tear, old age and death, hunger and thirst - will most surely be more pronounced without such contours brought forth by such personalities. but accordingly, the whole "reading" of someone becomes an exercise of the highest finesse.

hmmm how comforting, therefore, when one finds people - friends, family, lovers - who can, as it were, read you. it might be uncomfortably intrusive, but i think there is profound comfort in that. but then again, are we being lulled into believing we have such a sure grasp of another mind, another body in existence and functioning for years before us, and probably will even after us? Marriages, Partnerships, Civil Unions, Declarations of "BFFs"... do these labels lull us into claiming as/for our own more than what we truly, or will ever, have?

some thoughts to aid in the digestion of my ippudo ramen, i guess. goodnight, and good luck. it shall be a restful friday :)

2010-11-01T18:56:00.002+08:00

one of those days where you look up to the sky, weary, browbeaten, exasperated, and wonder "Why? Why are things the way they are in a place like this?" the stinking attitudes here make the smelliest swamp in the Congo where Kurtz ruled utterly pale in comparison, i swear.

really, the supposed proud institution guarding our sovereignty and integrity can do with a lot of internal improvements.

thankfully, there's a little bit of inspirational leadership elsewhere in the world for us to peer at over our shoulder. letting my patriot inclinations take leave, i throw my mind back to 2008 when watching his speeches lent me a sense of community spirit and belonging that my own does not afford.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-nQXNsD0sFY&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBhxTR07l6c&feature=related

i remembered going to school one day with a TIME magazine in my hand which read: YES, WE CAN, with a serious-looking president elect plastered over the cover. and i gingerly showed it to everyone who was increasingly under the panick attack of the (then) impending A levels, much to their fleeting relief.

now, more than ever, i find myself telling conscripts around and in me - YES, WE CAN. (but, will we?)

okay time to kick back and rest my tired eyes/nose/throat/head which have been battling the terror of flu and inflammation since friday night, though i managed ramen dinner with jason and marcus on sat and a happy night out with sec 4 classmates the day before. sunday was spent entirely on my bed, save for breakfast and dinner. FOAM, i know.

goodbye.

fine and dandy

2010-10-26T20:18:00.001+08:00

im freaking sleepy now. which means... NO STAFF PARADE. lol. we'll see.

in other news, this must have been one of the nicest weekends yo. i haven't felt so "fine and dandy" in a long, long while. strolling from One Fullerton after richie's bday lunch (imba place, imba food, imba waiter LOL) to MBS was when i spontaneously sms some friends i havent spoken to in a while or didnt intend to for a while more. but i was feeling to happy not to do smtg commensurate with my happiness within. if you get what i mean... and richie's biggest/best bday present would be a place in RISD. concrete jungle where dreams are made of... these lights will inspire you... :)

the weather was breezy and easy on the sweat glands, the gastronomy luxurious and indulgent, the company some of the best i can find. i want to be a permanent tourist, travel the world, work at some publishing house which hopefully pays an indecent amount of money for paltry amount of work done. must be dreaming, you say. but dreams do come true... that's true... oh yes it's true... baby... but oh, hold on, im bonded. heh.

reading my book by the infinity pool, with the trees swaying lazily beside me, people merry making around me... the jaw dropping view... i could really do more with such days. throw in some mexicans, british, french on the dancefloor/in the jacuzzi and you get a cosmopolitan mix too.

but despite all this material joy, thanks to "timelessness in our hearts", the burdens of the future and the hurts of the past coexist with the present moment. and thus, the impossibility of perfect happiness. zai jarren and i discussed this topic passionately while eye-gazing (heh heh) around the pool and i learnt, to my surprise, that jarren has a doctorate in physics from harvard/mit/princeton (Take your pick!). LOL. oh, bryan's new attic is our brand new hood. rocks.

going by the looks of it, november is set to be a pretty hectic month. this couldn't contrast more sharply or tragically with the fact that many of my friends will be bidding this Seriously Afflicted Force goodbye. sigh, i cannot. wait. to. Openly. Relax, Dude. come on people!

okay, tv showing some pretty funny stuff now. goodnight, and good luck.

and we are still growing up

2010-10-17T23:04:00.000+08:00

the environment im in right now is decidedly different from being in the ops room of my camp (which is when i usually blog). but i keenly appreciate being in my room, settling down, readying for yet another week. Yet Another Week, Nabei (YAWN). my life is full of acronyms nowadays it seems!

anyway, over the past 2 weeks, my upcoming holiday trips have been largely placed on the radar screen, for final details and confirmations. i like that - broad blocks of things for me to look forward to, at least. as surreal as ORD might sound (since im technically 3 odd months away), i know more than ever that it is so damn within reach. seeing how my contemporaries who enlisted in Jan are counting down - with their fingers and toes, mind you - their days, i am at once envious and at once expectant. there is a remote feeling that something in me will pulsate to life, that blood will course, no, ejaculate, all through my system once again... is quite a thought. but as with most things that had been a long time coming, i do not wish to excessively romanticize it (yet).

so korea, southeast asia, hongkong/china with most of my favorite people. well, it's still so damn oriental. but i think it is fitting for me since i will be headed for the decadent west come next end august/early sept for a brand new chapter in my life. Land of the Free, Home of the Brave. heh. and oh i was just on skypecall with junyang on friday night while on duty and as always, it feels strangely unreal that we are separated by the whole mass of the atlantic waters.

i am threading nearer and nearer toward uncomfortable truths, by way of literature and interactions. the former being the most provocative book i've read in a long while, and the latter being my learning of some unhappy realities plaguing youths like yours truly. why do we seek for a fit now, knowing that we're still growing? won't the mortal laws of growth and change outsize the fit we've wistfully, rashly, naively picked in our yonder days?

zai said, "you're like E.T. you know... observing us from afar..." initially, i was more bemused than anything. but if i were to think more about it, yes, that's true, that's how i've viewed myself when it comes to more profound stuff that's happening around, within and between my friends and i. and over nutella gelato, i also learned from jarren that i defend and chatise a bit too much. but that side of me has been shaped by how i was brought up. over kway teo mee, ngiam and i dissected parenthood, though neither of us are well-placed, at this point at least, to discuss it.

if there was indeed an E.T. object, looming knowingly out there, observing, note-taking, analysing and intrigued, it sure makes this existence that bit more interesting. i would love to meet my E.T. for a chat soon. i think for someone like bezzy, the E.T. is, beyond reasonable doubt, religion. or more specifically, christianity. but im damned, for i've been spirituall bankrupt (in the conventional sense of going to church, reading the Word, honoring quiet time etc.) since what, 2007?

i've got to go now. solitude at nights with just myself and the vast eerie silence of the universe (and the vibration of my phone at odd times) makes me, strangely, happy. but so does a phonecall with the right person(s).

goodnight, and good luck!

2010-10-04T01:34:00.000+08:00

goodbye calwinkor... till dec (?) or 9 months later (another cadet would have been molded heh). im glad to have been a friend, brother, comrade, classmate, holidayer and perhaps most importantly for thursday night's departure - even if you refuse to acknowledge this in the bottom of the bottom of your heart you know this is true - a family friend/counsellor. LOL. loads of love, always... 6,060miles away.

touristy saturday begun with a slight hiccup (on my part, okay) but all's good by lunchtime. with relaxed bodies, we watched The Other Guys and rounded the day off at Little China - Resorts World at Sentosa. Little China because everything, well almost everything there screams "opulent!", "vulgar!", "ostentatious!", "nouveaux riche!" our private musings aside, it was a cosy time in a surprisingly creative room (with bright gaudy flowers slapped all over the carpets and shower curtains, no less). late night supper bad for tummy but makes for good conversations. if everyday could be a holiday... oh, uss fireworks/architect very well done indeed!

sunday is for sports and games. again, well almost. cycling till our asses hurt and our throats parched, we did nevertheless felt the breeze caress across the sweat beads slowly forming on our bodies. families were out to play and kids, as always, triggered nostalgic thoughts of the younger days. dinner with dr. loh and scholar yan at macs was shifted to parkway after the man city match paused at halftime but by then, i was honoring my sms contract with jason to "meet up". hallowed words which should not be carelessly thrown about, im reminded.

now back home, bracing myself for what is to be "yet another week". horrifying words which do not require elaboration. but well at least there is malay classes to look forward to come wednesday! hope it works out.

summer IS over. well, the season at least. the weather? God bless and keep you, singaporean. together with that, a new routine settles over most people still sucked into some sort of scheduling dictatorship. there is really very little democracy in our lives, esp when you are a conscript soldier or student. my suspicion is it doesnt stop there... digits of the land, unite!

but seriously, democracy is really a profoundly artificial construct and mr. Paine must been commended on his seemingly limitless advocacy and application of this construct. but, democracy is a higher order of human governance, one that doesnt come intuitively to the earliest of Man: did we have a slate of PhD-holding or corporately high-flying candidates to choose from in what is arguably the single most important decision of our lives? did you and i go to the ballot box in deciding our lineage, our parents?

while simplistic, the above point underlines the enormous, sometimes strenuous (as History has unkindly shown), effort which must be made by each generation to upkeep the sheen of democratic principles. governing from the grave (and im not being original here, clearly) is no doubt one of the most vain and absurd aspirations of Great Old Dead Men. each generation must decide, on its own terms ultimately, the Social Contract which wil bind Power and People in relative, productive harmony.

this is potentially going to deprive me of my much-needed sleep and hence, it shall die an unnatural death right here, right now.

goodnight folks.

this is how teenage (loosely defined) depression sounds like

2010-09-27T21:22:00.003+08:00

OKAY. i feel damn depressed at this moment. like, i have a pained mixture of hopelessness, fatigue, meaninglessness and futility coursing all through my veins at this very, precise moment. this, magnified and multiplied incessantly, i suspect, is the makings of a sad and dejected kiddo.

AND ALL THIS, after one of my best weekends in a while. time with my buddies, good food (i love dim sum), sufficient sleep (rocks), reading pleasures (hello, john malathronas), and of course, The Hossan Leong Show (pls, go watch the show. it's worth every p-e-n-n-y and more. i literally laughed till my stomachs ached and my tear ducts sprang to life.)

AND WHY, you innocently ask, as like any person with a healthy degree of curiosity most naturally will. well, i think this is but a fraction of how a disgruntled underclass, in, say, chaotic messy Delhi (pardon me, im currently reading Adiga) will feel when they crawl through the rough and merciless corroding concrete roads, all the while witnessing the lavish and - this is what hurts the most, darling - unattainable wealth, lifestyles of the kindred spirits within those walled compounds. a world which exists apart from theirs, always slipping through the weak and unassuming clutch of their fingers... a world which seems at once so hopeful, but yet so profoundly illusory, deceitful. a world which self-sustains itself selfishly, exclusively.

I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO MAKE EXPLICIT REFERENCES because that'll be a bit too much confession here. but, sigh, on a professional as well as personal level, this has indeed been some unpleasant realizations, or reminders really, of what has come, and what is to come. or maybe, just maybe (there's always exceptions, no?) i am simply lapsing into exaggerated mental dissonance. im sure some will close my case by a simple "F--K OFF LAH, HOW CAN YOU FEEL THIS WAY" and indeed, im tempted to feel this way too sometimes. but alas.

AND OF COURSE, being a monday doesnt help at all. if anything, it is like the fuel that is being splashed onto a growing flame near a bunch of abandoned dry woods and leafs. today, i received a lecture on certain fundamentals which i, apparently and admittedly, betrayed. but i left the room none the wiser or more motivated. in fact, it amused me. Oh, Really Dreadful.

I MUST MUSTER A POSITIVITY WITHIN and make the leap for it. go for the sky/stars! you might just land on the moon/clouds/top of trees (given my increasing mass, though, i hardly think landing on a piece of flimsy cloud or branches is a blessing HEH). wish me the best of luck, then.

in conclusion, the mother of all conclusions... we must learn to count our blessings. contentment is indeed, key. SOMEONE PRODUCE A MEDICINE FOR THIS ALREADY...

goodbye, till the next time.

2010-09-22T17:57:00.003+08:00

life has been quite a daze of late. people flying off, people coming back, people coming back and then flying off. quite a flux, if you ask me. on the inside, things are also quite in a fluid state, dilemmas clash with morals, ethics clash with expediency. i think the process of growing up is sometimes very, very messed up. but we ride on, sail through the waters of life with a profound realization that all we've got is this 70, 80-odd years to make it good. each time an old person - sagged skin, wrinkled faces, monotonous walking - passes by me, i am reminded of the sheer fragility of life. it's a constant battle against the ticking away of the clock, the passing of time, each second, each minute, as surely as the setting and rising of the sun. inevitable. death is inevitable. gosh.

it is no good to indulge in such existentialist thoughts when my whole life seems to be right ahead of me, brimming with possibilities, shining bright with the spark of youth, ingenuity. but alas, these thoughts come at me, sometimes consciously, sometimes insidiously and by the time im fully aware of their presence, they are already beside me, sipping warm, thick Chinese tea with me in my head.

in other news, im quite happy with the commitments im going to place in my weekday evenings. volunteerism is a good vehicle to move one's life along. and self-enrichment, in the form of a new language, is always welcomed. i will be starting malay language classes soon with bezzy on wednesdays.

lest we forget, everyone has their own battles and we should strive to carry a smile on wherever we go. we never know what hidden battles he and she is fighting back home, at work, or in school.

i have been caught up in numerous essay editing that i feel i should make some quick bucks out of it. haha its something i enjoy doing, no doubt. to sharpen one's thoughts, rephrase, reconstruct and reposition paragraphs, sentences... it's not bad work, if i may be slightly self-conceited. i should not close my option on editing as a career haha.

my interest with local novels - If We Dream Too Long, being the latest - is still very much alive. i have said this before somewhere, and i shall engage in repetition now: sometimes, local novels speak to you as intimately and as personally as only a local author, schooled in the ways of Singaporeanness, can. it touches your heart in a way that a foreign writer, no matter how universal his themes are, sometimes fail to. and sometimes, when im nearing the end of a book, i dread it's conclusion. the characters have become so alive in my mind, so real a being, that to know it's going to end, vanish, vaporize into the thin air with the closing of my pages, is quite a saddening thought. but that's the beauty of stories, of fiction. cant believe i was once anti-fiction. people change, i guess.

going out for dinner now with cj, and show face at the surprise dinner for ms leong. this is how we young people fill our weekdays, weeknights, as we seem to triumphantly believe that this will never end. that's the confidence and vanity of youth, i presume.

goodbye, and good luck :)

2010-08-29T15:35:00.002+08:00

since vampires suck is taking pretty long to load up, and im not hungry (SFI cookhouse food doesnt really count for enticing gastronomy), and im all alone now (well, almost) in the ops room... i found myself landing here, again. a ritual for my duties, i've concluded.

sometimes, in the flurry of events and amidst the mass of people (mostly young, driven, articulate, fashionable and smart heh), it is pretty difficult to pause and slow down. thats why sometimes it is absolutely essential to just GET OUT OF IT. "it" can take on many meanings, though for many of us green boys now, it means CAMP/ARMY ROUTINE. which is why i'll always remember the many days of lazy strolling, esp along sir stamford raffles my lord and the pseudo banks of singapore river, during my happy 5 weeks of elusive existence and contemplative silence.

i attended the lunch gathering at MFA on friday. thanks to tee yong i wore boat shoes and brown pants. well it is nice to visit the place that i will be spending 6 years of my life in, get more acquainted with the people (my fellow bonded kids, esp) and vicinity. i was amused by certain observations where it comes to eating etiquette. what a pity, my dear cereal prawns. LOL. anyway, as each dawn breaks and each significant event's completion (in-camp training!), i am inching my way toward FREEDOM. and that means i should also firm up the broad blocks of what im gna do in that 6 months before i fly.

sometimes, random snapshots of the past surfaces in my head. when they do, they stick around quite relentlessly. right now, im thinking back on sitting atop the tonner with turner, talking about post-army Life Plans. he said something along the lines of isn't it awesome that i've got my future figured out and there's so much to look forward to? i was quick to protest, saying, no, nothing's ever cast in stone. even if they appear to be, things happen along the way and one's contentment or drive gets tainted, diluted.

youths have the luxury of waxing lyrical about what's in store for them in the future because things are simply malleable, even our worldviews, our sense of self. the vanity of youth, the stirring purposefulness of chasing after one's dream... the indulgence that the world is our oyster. i saw quite a bit of that on display on sat's dialogue with minister. but i also saw, in myself, the unsettling effects of skepticism setting in early. my "performance", participation really, contrasts sharply with back in school, where grandeur ideals could find refuge in my head. well, they are still permitted entry now, only subject to ever-increasing scrutiny of utility and consequences. my metaphor should not be stretched beyond this point. (calvin, well done on the dialogue!)

other reflections abound after watching Boo's Sandcastle on thursday with juanhe. it is emotionally charged, historically rich and politically sensitive. the temptation of over-reading into a film's intent should be cautioned, but i think the beauty rests precisely in art's ability to provoke, question and make explicit the vague, remote sense of human uncertainty in his world, this hyper-connected machinery in which he is only but a dispensable cog. the times of the student's protests in 1950s, 60s, those heady moments of raw zeal and unabashed subscription to Mao's ideology - foolhardy, highfalutin, romantic, blinding, consuming... sometimes i wonder if they no longer deserve a space in our society anymore? are they, like the larger political philosophy it espouses, destined for the ash heaps of history?

"... dont pointless things have a place, too, in this far-from-perfect world? remove everything pointless from an imperfect life and it'd lose even its imperfection."

Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart.

even, or especially, in a personal way, the above quote reverberates too. ah, i've typed too much. lapsed into my directionless rambling at some point. i shall endeavor to almost finish Abraham's Promise by today. singaporean authors make for awesome reading, since it speaks to you as only a localized story can. have a good sunday, ppl.

2010-08-23T11:48:00.003+08:00

story of my life of late: BAPTISM OF FIRE (in your/our belly/bellies)

goodbyes, till the next summer (the use of seasonal references in perpetually tropical singapore is unnecessary, but indulge me nonetheless)... wanjoo, junyang, yanhan, hahn! LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE BRAVE. bittersweet, esp for first-timers. but still, i cant wait thanks.

BOEING X2 with vs homies was fun! but a tad short. depended a lot on each actor's talent and moment to bring out the spark. i loved the hk impersonication :D

played taboo (sg version, v smart) at class gathering (thank you andre) and i love the game. sorry but its my first time playing real taboo. prissy is the best taboo player - she single-handedly made everyone Laugh Out Loud.

ord trip with jarren and bryan is set to be very exotic! and exciting!

back in camp, with a blocked nose and a sleepy head. another week beckons, but another week closer to freedom! speaking of freedom, or freedoms, i've started on beyond the blue gate. reads like a thriller thus far. uhmmmm.

2010-08-12T22:36:00.001+08:00

sometimes, just at the instant before i set out to type, the thoughts i passionately held in my mind just poof! off and i end up thinking what was it that i wanted to put down to posterity (sorry, a bit of an inflated ego there i admit).

i guess i am just... bored in camp, doing yet another duty on an otherwise promising, sparkling and happy thursday night. well, if its of any emotional consolation, the new ops room is way more conducive (jarren asked, conducive for what? i said something explicit duh.) than the previous claustrophobic one. thanks to some ADF roadshow/exhibition tomorrow, i've to be up real early to issue a machine gun. so i shall sleep after this and some brief reading of amy chua.

i spent much of today reading singaporewindow about the 1987 ISA saga. i have yet to start on teo soh lung's book but i thought some context, some entry point, was needed before i could fully make sense of the whole incident and more importantly, what social and political significance the episode carried in our tiny little island. it sounded almost surreal that it happened in squeaky-clean sg for it had quite the makings of a thriller plot set in a more dubious and dim place, not in Uniquely Singapore. even though most of the people i speak to about this reply with a telling and disheartening blank stare ("uh... didnt know it happened? we weren't born yet right?"), i remind myself that the greater evil is indifference and apathy, not ignorance.

well, in an unrelated note, i quite enjoyed yesterday's yog preview. the weather (thankfully) turned from ominously cloudy to comfortably breezy. the view from the floating platform is really quite...satisfying, though wanjoo and i felt (i) helix bridge should have more color variations (we only saw 2) and (ii) the CBD buildings should strike an elegant balance between vulgarly exuberant Hong Kong/Shanghai and dull dead greyness. and we conclude URA does exciting work. lol.

after some fortuitous bumping into people - cambridge, undecided, upenn, amongst other kids - and some unwise decisions (on my part) i finally ended home around 2a.m. and slept. and here i am, back to the beloved confines of dieppe barracks.

to end off, if you have not heard, there is a DOCTOR WOO IN TOWN. a trip to down under is in order now immediately after ord!

2010-08-10T21:45:00.002+08:00

be proud of me, parents, teachers and the unlikely mentors in life for i tried my hands at self-preservation today HAHAHA

anyway, chanced upon the following videos on youtube which i found relevant for the confused soon-to-be civil servant in me. elaborate thesis and discussion in private, please.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Hzlnw9P_P0

and

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzduQ2O3y6g&feature=fvsr

in other news... i am quite contented with life nowadays. i think it's amazing what sufficient sleep does to your mental and emotional health, and what indulging in earthly delights (read: food) does to your satisfaction quotient hahahaha stop rolling your eyes, my concerned friends i wont roll off this slippery slope of SLOTH and GLUTTONY.

to end off, happy belated 20th birthday, shanan :) lots of love. and yes of course, the patriot in me is screaming out loud, happy 45th national day, singapore. we've got loads to be proud of, but i think we have loads of work-in-construction too. esp politically... so let's go!

hello jello on a friday afternoon in green

2010-07-30T15:00:00.001+08:00

" We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person."

in the thick mist of green fog and army daze, i chanced upon this infinitely wise but persistently elusive line. but heck, thankfully, the weekend has finally arrived :) the wedding bells are ringing, old friends are meeting up and, not unimportantly, a boy's getting braver, bit by bit, night by night. cheers to all the world's bravery!!

hello jello

2010-07-23T20:31:00.001+08:00

more than a month has lapsed since the last time i manage to defy the mammoth technical glitches plaguing my cui laptop. time flies, i hope each month truly zaps by with such haste till feb 2011 dawns mercifully upon us...

as per previous practices, i am blogging once again when im on duty. stuck in the confines of an army camp, with all the concomitant responsibilities and routines. due to our nation's 45th birthday bash in august, i'll need to issue arms at about 2300hrs later. and open the armskote tmr morning at 0500hrs for some kids to return their arms so they can go off for the birthday bash's rehearsals. how i love birthday celebrations. heh.

cynicism (theme of my life since... after jc, i think) was confronted with the force that is pachara ystdy. Pachara from Penn. haha. wala wala with ngiam and her (and two other soldiers) was good. though i've to say, im no rock kiddo. like that is a surprise to you. the singer, though, was quite cute. the soldiers left and pach and i went over to some kopitiam at holland v. i felt pretty inspired afterwards, though physically i was crying out loud for rest and some eye-shut. how vast is this world... and how extraordinary the opportunities are out there, if only you allow yourself to. let the forces of the universe and the energies of people around you work on you... you might just find yourself atop some tranquil serene thailand mountain doing, what, MEDITATION. speechless for 10 days. face the inner frustrations, confront the discontent, and be IN PEACE, my young padawan. pach!! come back in august :)

on another note, i am extremely turned off by stupidly idealistic people, hoisting their idealistic conception of the world upon others like as if they have had a private meeting with the dalai lama. your missionary zeal needs to be tampered, my dearest. and thanks, but no thanks, i dont think your idealistic morales, when preached with intolerance and bigotry, will be very well-received, anywhere, anytime. so save it for your kids and i hope you dont bore them to death. UGH.

the past month has been very much tainted by what's going on in more domestic parts of life. and then i somehow from the deep recesses of my memory, recall what good old oscar wilde once so intelligently said: WE ARE ALL IN THE GUTTER, BUT SOME OF US ARE LOOKING AT THE STARS. how true, how smart, how practical. how escapist? i hope not.

the next week looks set to be sucky... another duty and potential safety coverage (Read: pseudo outfield) being the chief culprits. i can only hope for a fun weekend, spent with the best of peoples. oh, thank God the reunion dinner last week went well.... without major hiccups. haha kudos shaun and jieliang for manning it! and the rest who helped out. and of course, jean for agreeing to emcee. i am fiercely proud to be from Raffles and that night briefly reminded me why.

love, peace and harmony,

john

the week, ends.

2010-06-17T04:40:00.001+08:00

billy with jun wei (happy man) where i was a bit embarrassed thanks to insensitive declaration then photo exhibit to john clang's (con)frontation at gallery 2902 with part-time psychiatrist, srh chn. dinner at japan with family and then ice cream w yalie ( :) )and then ngiam's stayover in celebration of quality time over alcohol-driven loving (brave boy tonights).

heavy hearted warm caramel coffee with shanan at paragon and then cuba/abu dhabi with jason on sunday night, with all the hopes and dreams of living The life. pls...........

shrek with victorian lover bryan who thought, wrongly, that he has "missed the week", and seeing big sister to down under on monday (im missing you acutely, daily). oh, zara buffalo skins finally came home to daddy. YES.

solo intellectual visit to lkyspp and dean's office (2nd time) after working hours plus good italian dinner w kim (she has her own car) along atas roads. udders followed (no pun), like old time.

long love lunch with cj and ugly (been a while, both) at ps then dinner at newton (after much fearsome debate and struggle lol) with gabby and shanan. teleconvos with shanan, ugly and yalie (in tt order) was appreciably intimate. a drink bomb is underway.

of course, these snapshots do not capture what is beneath but i think for personal historical references, such is sufficient. have a good life and listen to leona lewis i think she is really quite imba.

2010-06-09T23:58:00.000+08:00

of the hundreds of strands of thoughts on my mind of late, two stand out chiefly: cynicism at and confusion with some deeply-cherished concepts and beliefs. funny how it takes certain episodes to drill some hard lessons to you. and tragic how we all need time to get over certain hurts and theres simply no way of accelerating. i finally caught a glimpse of the motivations and mentality behind those tattoo- and golden locks-clad gangsters and delinquents who resort, at the earliest form of provocation, to violence. the untainted and privileged probably can rationalise this physical expression of anger away - as i formerly could have before the weekend - but i think i've become a bit more realistic and less theoretical now.

actually, a lot of us lived and continue living in this richly-spun idealistic world of esteemed aspirations, distinguished lineage, proud values and bright prospects, when sometimes the only difference between an all-achieving snobbish bastard and a neighborhood school kid with low societal strata associations is that the former simply has not been confronted with situations that bring out the dark, the ugly and the regrettable from them.

but then my mind throws back to the first round of my mfa scholarship interview when it was uttered that "it makes a man". that, of course, remains to be seen.

thank you if you cared enough, you made a difference on the inside and in my cynical/confused head. goodnight.

2010-05-31T22:08:00.002+08:00

of late, there has been quite a string of incidents and news to which my possible reactions, or the lack thereof, has taught me what it means to be unmistakably mere mortal. there is so damn much beyond our weak grasp on life and what goes on for the people around us, their health, their safety, their successes, their emotions etc.

and when you expect the world to stop spinning due to the seeming proportions of such happenings, it doesnt. and you are taught a tough lesson in the dispensability of any individual in the grand scheme of thing. it disturbs me in the quiet of the night when i think about how superficial and on a level, hypocritical, our emotional responses can be even when tragedy strikes at people dear to us. there seems to be an increasing distance in-built in our hearts that comes with age. like a nation hardened by war and numbed to yet another otherwise startling statistical announcement of lives lost and injuries sustained. like witnessing genocide in rwanda and then, shaking your head with a few whisper of "tsk, tsk" and then snapping out of that zone and going back to your feast on dining table.

of course, this has been triggered by what just happened to a very close junior of mine over the weekend. konek called me yesterday and i was quite at a loss. when words of comfort can only do so much, you realise once again that we all face battles that sometimes only we - not our mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, besties, lovers - can resolve. it is quite a lonely proposition i know.

pls pray for speedy recovery of ang jun heng. it's back to army tomorrow, after a very well-appreciated one week break.

give me meiji wisdom

2010-05-22T19:53:00.000+08:00

till 30th May, suckers!!!

2010-05-20T23:20:00.003+08:00

it seems like nowadays i only blog - or use fbchat/spam youtube - when im on duty. not too bad ways to spend the dreadful 24 hours of Heavy Responsibilities. granted, with time and experience, it becomes less of that type of dread you get when you have to perform a role but cannot do it well, or at least, as well as others and the audience is watching. it becomes, with time, more plainly a dread to burn the weekday night in camp. but of course, a largely stay-out life more than makes up for it :)

last night, i was so drowned in the depths of my sleep that by the time I woke up, i was 20 minutes away from the opening of the play, Those Who Can't, Teach. i panicked, i foamed and i dashed out of the house and did stop running until i got on a cab (not a very long distance, fine) and after i alighted, not until i sat down in the theatre. thankfully, the show hasnt started and i managed to overcome my heavy panting and enjoyed the show. it had a pretty predictable plot, no doubt, and some caricaturing was clearly going on but it was still good fun.

what was particularly interesting for me was to note that amidst the audience were the powers that be. it was my first time being this close - literally, no joke - to them as they walked out of the theatre brushing across my knees. i think it extremely amusing to imagine how such people feel when the very systems which they preside over and perpetuate are examined and critiqued theatrically. are the stonewalls of the ivory tower penetrable at all, or are we wrongly assuming that they exist at all?

in less than 48 hours i will be on the plane bound for Tokyo. sadly, i am not all over the moon about it. partly because there are outstanding issues to be cleared back in camp, and also because our itinerary hasnt really been hammered out. maybe mom and sis have it planned out well but i have just been too absent of late to fully engage myself in the planning. but i know there's one thing i want to get out of it - quality time with sis before she begins her work life fast and furious. and also, my pet indulgence when in a foreign land: to wander around and observe, from the possibly awkward sidelines of a city alien to my native land, the nooks and cranny of the people and place. fresh new sounds, enchanting sights, stimulating tastes. travel, to me, must contain a bit of "lost in transition" elements; absent that context of being overseas, i simply cannot replicate this sense of loss and exploration. where can you go in singapore where you'll feel truly a bit, lost? a few more minutes of dogged walk in a certain direction and you are bound to see a person from which directions home (or to the public transport) can be sought.

of course, being completely away from work (nirvana level of compartmentalisation YES) is definitely gonna be appreciated :)

every so once in a while, we all get reminded by news and history that we are indeed, truly and tragically small. cancer patients, i think, know what i am alluding to. i must start running/swimming soon and make it part of my routine. including of course, my other cip involvement(s). okay, i should go bathe and get ready to sleep. tomorrow is another day of playing the role of COL (VOL) CHEO but nvm, good dinner and supper beckon!

goodnight, from the heart of Dieppe Barracks, HQ GUARDS - Ready to Strike (with my keyboard)

2010-05-16T15:03:00.002+08:00

sometimes - and i am not beholden to the idea that this only happens when one sits quite idly and meaninglessly in an army camp on a otherwise fruitful, promising and bright Sunday afternoon - in life, there are such moments where you inexplicably feel that the stars are in perfect, holy alignment and that around the corner, something positive, bursting with energy and refreshing will greet you. the little inconveniences of urban living - crowded shopping malls, congested walkways, slow-moving pedestrians incessantly positioned in front of you - somehow seemed that bit more tolerable, acceptable and merely parts of an overall order which you can appreciate, even if only after Prudence's (Contentment?) cajoling.

each text message that vibrates into your life also seems to be lit with more lightheartedness, each human encounter that bit more interesting and humorous. and the conscious self, quite dominant in my otherwise repulsive self (an adjective ascribed to me, not unkindly, from my best friends haha), begins to conjure up suspicions that this string of fortunate events or feelings, will come to an end. perhaps that betray a fundamental pessimist in the closet. or it might just be a worldly pragmatist within nudging at your heart. regardless, this duality in mental states sometimes brings out the worst in someone as you do not truly, fully belong to that moment of celebration - not for long, at least. in turn, you lose your capacity for fun and intensity. it is almost as if i was delving into the national psyche of this island-nation with this narrative i.e. siege mentality of an oasis turning into a desert overnight.

it is also slightly queer that i was just introduced, serendipitously, to the idea of cognitive dissonance. reading on it amuses me because i think i - like the honest you - do this all the time, especially when emotions are involved. let me rephrase it: cognitive dissonance occurs more when the object of desire fulfills not a material, but emotional, need. but this little search for rationalization, equilibrium, really, sometimes becomes a tad too laborious and i give up even before the penny hits the floor. and i switch for superficiality, casualness, even callousness (as far as my extroverted self can reasonably pull off).

alright, no more momentary mental unloading now. i didnt sleep much yesterday night thanks to robin hood (tks philbert for being the tireless organizer haha) and the midnight meat train at bryan's. stayovers feel such a long time ago - we need more! calvin's coming back real soon so that's good :)

the countdown for the end of my duty begins and is well on the way. i shall go take a nap and catch up on my much-needed sleep. have a wonderful weekend, till we reach greater degrees of cognitive coherence. HEH.

down an electronic memory lane

2010-05-12T01:54:00.005+08:00

God knows why, after marche dinner with two very elistick and special ladies, i came on my computer and started searching through my old, rj-days' files/documents etc. and goodness i realised i saved down certain msn conversations deemed significant back then. to my horror and disgust, jc1 was indeed a time of much change, experimentation, exploration and generally, i was (or rather, we were) a very malleable figure, open to what a co-ed environment offered and needless to say, the birds and the bees, if only marginally and in our more private moments/msn conversations/text messages.

and of course, being a "minority" from a non-raffles school made integration practically and emotionally difficult: less common topics, less common old friends, less common experiences in general. these are lubricants for any type of conversations between people but short of them, it was really hard, classic "starting from scratch" situations. and memorable how some of my homies and i thought of drifting apart, as we are all separated and subsequently sucked into our own exclusive worlds of njc, vjc, sajc, tjc and rjc. some lasted, some didn't, and that's just a fact of life, unpalatable as it may be.

on hindsight, though, deciding to enrol in rjc was certainly one of my best decisions thus far in life (reinforced by train ride with jason just now hehe). you simply couldn't synthetically pluck the environment in rjc and transplant it elsewhere and hope for similar outcomes - the organically rigorous environment takes an innumerable amount of ingredients to get right and that is simply quite unmatched elsewhere, not even along bukit timah roads (on both sides haha).

well, back to the main topic from which this blog post begun. it fills me with a cringe of sort on the inside when i look back on those times, those moments, those more memorable conversations over topics which appear but only amusing and trivial now - ten, twenty years later, who knows what might be made out of worries currently looming over the horizons in our lives? that's why a certain wise man (or woman, i dont wish to be alleged a sexist) once said "youth is wasted on the young". the young, by sheer lack of age and hence wisdom (this correlation is generally true, but of course, like most correlationships, subject to exceptions of the grossest extent), does not fully extract the goodness and bliss of the state of youthfulness. but alas, the universe has been shaped and set in such a way. i am sure the Creator is infinitely wiser than the particular wise man/woman.

the end of 2007 was indeed a period of many emotions and trials and errors, though they took place mostly in the private spheres, contented with being privy only to the selected few, rightly or wrongly. somehow, my memory seems to be as vivid as though these incidents and conversations only occured yesterday. trust me when i say i have, in general, an awesome memory patterned with vivid mental images of context and conversations. it is quite, er, haunting sometimes. but then when i snap out of those zones, i get the uncomfortable feeling creeping over me, insistently but quiety whispering to me that, hey, time waits for no man, and life slips past you like a handful of sand most naturally would.

nostalgia, aroused and embraced in moderation, provides emotional relief and an outlet of sorts for the wounded (for the blessed, it will not be an outlet as much as an inward exercise of contentment). but too intense an indulgence or revisitation leaves one slightly stranded in between two realms of the here and now, and the then. that shall be something i ought to be more cautious about. so for now, i shall pack the helmet and LBV and retreat to my little comfy bed as i leave for a safety rover which shall be my shelter for the next 1-plus day. outfield, FML.

goodnight, and good luck, boys and girls. auspicium melioris aevi, amen.

P.S.: with each passing day, we are that bit closer toward the end of this army daze. or more immediately, i will be upon the land of geisha come end may, and lull come end june, and in between, Those Who Can't, Teach, and of course the other shows lined up this year. Full Monty, Boeing Boeing, Cindera-lah, Emily of Emerald Hill... cant wait :)

P.S. II: WELCOME HOME, MS BLUEBERRYPOP MAGAZINE EDITOR, EXCITABLE TEO WAN JOO :) 5 weeks is totally not long, stop nua-ing around, thank you very much.

let's give teenagehood a try; i love you so much it hurts

2010-05-07T00:46:00.000+08:00

If I walk would you run
If I stop would you come
If I say you're the one would you believe me
If I ask you to stay would you show me the way
Tell me what to say so you don't leave me
The world is catching up to you
While your running away to chase your dream
It's time for us to make a move cause we are asking one another to change
And maybe I'm not ready

If I sing you a song would you sing along
Or wait till I'm gone, oh how we push and pull
If I give you my heart would you just play the part
Or tell me it's the start of something beautiful
Am I catching up to you
While your running away, to chase your dreams
It's time for us to face the truth cause we are coming to each other to change
And maybe I'm not ready

But I'm trying for your love
I can hide up above
I will try for your love
We've been hiding enough

I will try for your love
I can hide up above

2010-05-03T02:18:00.004+08:00

so my lovers from 6SIR are back from taiwan. more than the garang soldiering exploits, there was much story to tell about the trip, esp during the shady nights throughout r & r. it's quite amusing how with every passing week, my poor and meek mind has more and more unwelcome mental images to contend with. duality in reality - it is easier than you think. if not, try adding some alcohol to the equation, it loosens you up and makes a lot of possibilities real. there is no need to elaborate anymore LOL.

moving on, sunday was a very testosterone-filled day. i met mr. tony stark in all his awesome technological brilliance and also master ip in all his modest and measured martial arts magnificence. the former was a really typical blockbuster with all the elements - romance, indulgence, flawed and angry villain, heroic victory and great fight/destruction scenes - audiences have come to expect from a good classic marvel/capcom type of comic adaptation while the latter was simply CHINESE PRIDE STOKING. haha there was a point when the whole theater clapped in perfect unison when the dude threw a powerful punch on the obnoxiously arrogant western boxer. i was very amused by the little bits which had profound political symbolism for the relationship between a rising middle kingdom and grand old uncle sam.

to retrospectively add to the visual treats this weekend, on saturday, animal farm at national library was also very, very awesome. it had a very talented cast and directorship and a packed house of appreciative, though characteristically shy audience spending an otherwise ordinary sunday evening in the company of thoughtful theater and sensitive scripting. i thoroughly enjoyed myself - was relentless amused at the first half of the play but, and i suspect this was the intended effect in the mind of the producers, toward the end of the play, the themes got so dark (as it did in Orwell's original writings) and the parallels got so stark and striking that humor was roundly thrown out of the window and disturbing was the new adjective. the way it ended, the way the audiences reacted at the end of the play, spoke volumes of the ingenuity of the play's artistic arrangement and cultural customization but more importantly, perhaps, of the lasting brilliance of George Orwell's literature. of course, the political significance of this play in our island context is haunting but alas, all animals are equal, but some are more equal than others.

it is the start of yet another week - hiok is flying off to taiwan and i've a battalion beginning their ict. it shall be a pretty tiring week i think, but at least there is no DO this week. for the uninformed, DO stands for duty orderly officer. it means i get confined, i stay in and for 24 hours, i wait earnestly for the day's end.

alright, it's perhaps time for me to snuggle in my bed and wind down to sleep. have a good week, and please be reminded that this coming sunday is mother's day. show some loving - we all need to be reminded of this from time to time. on a related note, allow me to muse that i once heard somewhere, i think from church when i used to attend one, that the greatest myth in the world today is love is self-sustaining. nothing can be further than the truth, and every so once in a while, im an adherent of that notion thanks to empirical facts. alright, NIGHT.

2010-04-27T21:25:00.001+08:00

of late, i no longer muster sufficient concentration of the mind to write with an explicit adherence to narrative or expository integrity. and therefore, what follows is my favorite "point form" writing (not like you care so just read on anyway):

1) work has been piling up like political unrest in bangkok. the former doesn't result in literal bloodshed, of course, but the damage to the soul cannot be underestimated. yet, i've mastered (or am still furiously mastering) the art of compartmentalisation; once out of the office, do not let work's irritations spillover into your private life. see? army does contain such nuggets of wisdom for you and me. LOL.

2) i am losing faith in the idea (myth!) that you can change the organization you belong to. the ancient tug-o-war between whether man changes his system or conforms to/gets consumed by it seems to falling to the latter's side of the turf: unless you are donning the stars, how else do you expect to effect lasting changes? and how do you expect stars, safe above the hot struggles of the poor (i am quoting), to intimately understand the issues on the ground? [BUT YES OKAY, the unenlightened hoi polloi and like you and i probably do not grasp as intimately the nobler, bigger-picture ideas of the top brass so heck this artificial exercise of reaching an academic consensus let's just stick to the paper chase]

3) ystdy, i finally tried my hands at helming a table at the MPS myself. thankfully, there weren't any decidedly tricky constituents. generally, i knew what to do with their complaints/cases and was even pleasantly surprised by some handshakes of gratitude. i think, uncertainly, that this is what sense of fulfillment means :)

4) yelin's bday party (dubbed Burmese Birthday Bash by the ceaselessly creative exco haha) at hodge lodge was a night enjoyed with good company and conversation(s). what's not to love with it's one of your closest friends turn to hit the all important 21st! well, fine, technically, ugly burmese general is not yet 21 but you know my point. the process of planning for the party was very, very amusing because i know what a whore yelin is. HAPPY 21ST IN ADVANCE UGLY :)

5) jiak kim after yelin's bday party was, unfortunately, disturbing because EEEWW MY FRIENDS DID THINGS THAT IN MY SOBER MOMENTS I FIND IT HARD NOT TO FROWN UPON (mr. oxford upenn are you seeing this haha)!! but alas, we concluded, this is all part and parcel of the growing up series. but! WHAT'S NEXT? crime/drugs/weed/s**? LOL (sorry to rub your liberal senses the wrong way but, clearly, we've all been obedient products of the singapore education system till nowadays)

6) I AM GOING TOKYO END OF MAY WITH FAMILY. (be jealous, be very, very jealous :)

7) I AM GOING BALI EARLY JULY WITH FRENZ. (dont be jealous just yet, for the tickets have not been booked and the leave hasn't been approved - but the intention and the company are there!! it shall materialize!!)

8) I AM GOING ON OFF THIS THURSDAY and RELIVING RAFFLES for NS SHARING! don't express your unveiled surprise at this - i shall be a voice for the truth, with strong dosages of honesty and objectivity. "the olive depression" shall be a point of reference HEH.

9) I WANT TO LEARN DRIVING but fml on saturday when augie drove me to the ubi driving center, guess how faux pas i was. first, i left my 11b in the car. second, i realised bezzy gave me wrong timing (he was referring to school applicants i wanna do the cheaper, private alternative) and so it was basically a futile trip. LMAO.

10) big group outings are fun, not meaningful. i much prefer one-to-one, small groups outings where there is quality conversations and sharing of thoughts and "FAHs" of course (gosh this makes me remember old VS days!! calvin come back quick!!!). <3 marcusho, bezzy and gabby for a well-spent sunday with some very (eye-popping) discoveries about some of our jc friend(s).

11) CIRCLE LINE has been the single infrastructural addition that most materially improved my standards of living. singapore just got that much smaller and i quite like it that way with regards to transporting because may i humbly add that in other spheres, sg being so small is socially and imaginatively stifling. you've heard my piece on this before so there.

12) I MISS A LOT OF MY HOMIES and just as mary j. blige says that with each tear you become stronger, with each passing day the reality of living overseas by myself (in one sense) becomes closer. and this idea that with (a hell damn lot of) distance, it is simply not very possible to close the informational gaps sometimes upsets me. but yet when i know that it is in spite of these gaps and the friendship doesn't change fundamentally that comforts me profoundly.

13) I NEED TO SLEEP EARLIER so im getting off the comp now and gna bathe and climb into my comfy bed in my homely little room and begin on my daily TIME magazine time before sleeping in heavenly peace.

Have a good remaining 3 days of the work week ahead. cadets, SUCK IT UP. students, DONT COMPLAIN (do you wish to swap places i can give you my helmet). adults, BE PROFESSIONAL AND DO YOUR CHOSEN CAREER PATH WELL (otherwise, have some balls and quit).

Goodnight.

the great the glorious the grosteque the GATSBYESQUE - it's in all of us, no matter how queer

2010-04-22T23:41:00.003+08:00

On the last night, with my trunk packed and my car sold to the grocer, I went over and looked at that huge incoherent failure of a house once more. On the white steps an obscene word, scrawled by some boy with a piece of brick, stood out clearly in the moonlight, and I erased it, drawing my show raspingly along the stone. Then I wandered down to the beach and sprawled out on the sand.

Most of the big shore places were closed now and there were hardly any lights except the shadowy, moving glow of a ferryboat across the Sound. And as the moon rose higher the inessential houses began to melt away until gradually I became aware of the old island here that flowered once for Dutch sailors' eyes - a fresh, green breast of the new world. Its vanished trees, the trees that had made way for Gatsby's house, had once pandered in whispers to the last and greatest of all human dreams; for a transitory enchanted moment man must have held his breath in the presence of this continent, compelled into an aesthetic contemplation he neither understood nor desired, face to face for the last time in history with something commensurate to his capacity for wonder.

As I sat there brooding on the old, unknown world, I thought of Gatsby's wonder when he first picked out the green light at the end of Daisy's dock. He had come a long way to this blue lawn, and his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it. He did not know that it was already behind him, somewhere back in that vast obscurity beyond the city, where the dark fields of the republic rolled on under the night.

Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter -- to-morrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther.... And one fine morning ----

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

2010-04-20T00:30:00.002+08:00

I cannot, both as a NSF as well as an individual with some basic sense of right and wrong, happily fathom why some regulars in the army work with such deplorable and abysmal amount of pride and basic responsibility. I mean, look, you chose to make this your career - for the love of God take some pride in your work and seek for positive change and not just sink into a comfortable, immovable and torpid existence! I think one fundamental problem in an organization as mammoth as the SAF is simply the refusal to take real-time responsibility for one's job. This is your JOB, your income generator, your CAREER; should you not take things more professionally?

Sure, cadets and NSFs commit this sin all the time, but at any rate, to any extent, it is more excusable than if someone whose adult career is this does the same thing, lived with the same philosophy. A meaningful NS experience begins with one's NSF time - there is a gross mismatch between what the SAF is striving towards and the reality being perpetuated by the personnel on the ground. The amount of "arrowing" of late is disturbing, and not just because some of these unwarranted tasks come at a personal cost, but because I shudder to reflect on how does anything gets done in the SAF sometimes... the "U" shaped graph linking the variables of time (horizontal axis) and level of commitment/trust in the SAF to do its job (very intelligently-worded mission please go mindef website and read), i hope, better be true.

To be fair, there are many gems in the organization. They are, however, few and far between. And the very fact that these persons are notable for their professionalism betrays something darker beneath the still waters - why would someone being professional, responsible be considered "standing out of the crowd" when the military boasts, amongst other things, of being a place where MEN OF STEEL thrive and L.I.V.E to be their best? What of core values and the pride of a being the final custodians of our country's sovereignty? These are, to be sure, lofty words I am throwing about. But my point is, the incentives system in the SAF is quite flawed and deserves some fixing. For want of credible information, I wonder how other militaries work from a conscripted soldier's point of view. Do they also have a culture on the ground that is so characterized by that of people transferring responsibility from one to another, from another to yet another? Is this a uniquely Singaporean civil service thing (God bless us all), or does the degree of this abuse only get this absurd in good old Grandfather?

Pardon this torrent of sentiments. They come from several days of irritated work obligations on-end. Discount the irrational elements in my exposition and chew the other foods for thought.

In other domains, happier emotions prevail. My second week at the MPS continues to be an enriching experience. I wonder when I will be steady enough to take a table by myself and engage the constituents on their issues on my own. I think this weekly affair puts a certain anchor to my calendar, and puts a certain limit to my spending spree since on Mondays, there will not be any elaborate dining options whatsoever. Well, on another note, I hope I find a right orphanage soon! There is so much I wish to do now with this new found freedom and time on my hand.

Something amusing to note: once I stepped out of the MPS today, I spotted a recruit, fieldpack all, and he is listening to mp3! Like any other righteous, motivated and moral young officer (ahem ahem haha), i motioned toward him as I inched closer and asked him, without a shadow of doubt in my eyes, "are you allowed to listen to MP3 while in uniform and walking?" be impressed, be very impressed :) MEGA LAWL.

In yet another note, japan beckons come end may. I NEED A HOLIDAY AND IM GETTING ONE. i think tokyo will be an amazing city to be immerse in and learn from. till then, it's back to the daily grill of the world of army. i am quite happy that my overseas lovers are all coming back soon... 1 or 2 more months! hurry back home!

goodnight and goodluck, esp to those who have just begun their arduous journey in OCS. cadets, we are behind you!! heh heh.

a year on.

2010-04-13T21:02:00.000+08:00

and so it has been a year since it all begun. my journey in the Singapore Armed Forces. im not Book Prize winner or Yeats so it is frankly quite hard to package this journey thus far as one with an untainted sheen flushed in a glow which, in other more civilian contexts, might come with any once-in-a-lifetime involvement. this, as you ought to know by now, is not to be; the army experience, lest a few redeeming graces, has not been particularly fulfilling. of course, march 20th in all its glorious symbolism, does mean something deeply to me and the many others who have threaded upon this path. but yet, like most other ostentatious display of achievement in life, the overwhelming sense of joy is ephemeral and before long (3 weeks and counting, to be numerically faithful), reality hits back at you. reality in this sense, of course, refers to the many aspects of an army life which we so bemoan.

a year on, and my head is no longer a shaved patch of baldness, my rank is no longer a uncomfortable and utter blank, and my responsibilities are no longer individual or entirely military-centric. it is therefore slightly meaningful that a year since my enlistment, i am sitting in the Ops room toward the winding down of the day as the camp's duty orderly officer. to be a in a position of influence is a challenge and a blessing in that you should, without circumventing proper, rational procedures, make life as pain-free as possible as those "below" you. i had some flashes of such thoughts as i was clearing the armskote just now: it could be a painless event, or one made very tricky and tedious (unnecessarily sometimes) if i had decided to be a bitch. and all too often, the reason why the general prevalent sentiment of the army experience - on the ground, mind you - is not as positive as a patriot would wish for, is because senior commanders just decide to apply themselves - and their 1, 2, 3 bar/crabs wrongly.

of course, my reflections are inherently limited to that of a NSF, who, above all, treats this experience as a temporary exercise. with a open mind and active arms (lol), i have inched my way toward my emancipation. along the way, there has been countless ups and downs, just like anyone else donning the greens. i've met great people and made great friends, but i've also lost a few and learnt a few lessons about the unpleasant sides of human nature, team dynamics and poor leadership. made several mistakes along the way, compromised and become a lesser person at times (in thought as well as in deed)... the list can go on.

it has been singularly the longest "pause" in my life, if you know what a i mean. at the beginning of 2009, i never thought the next 2 years will turn out this way and some of you know what im getting at. narrowly confident, perhaps, blindly hopeful, certainly i was. ah well, at such points, you go back to the age old saying that, time flies, and whether it's pain or pleasure, delusion or delight, life does go on and we all find some ways to function on. the initial adjustment, the initial intellectual conflict with everything that conscription meant were slowly eaten away by a practical recognition that batches before me have been through this, and so will batches after me (indeed, being at zai's POP last thursday on tekong amuses me in a deep way). more importantly, perhaps, is that my peers, my closest friends, are also progressing along in this journey with me, not directly beside me in my arm's reach but vicariously at least.

before long, the day of ORD will come. till then, the next 10 months in this reality shall be a time for me to constantly look back on this (you saw this word coming all the while!) rites of passage and extract all the valuable, salient learning points and absorbing them for future application - in all honesty, there are some very useful skills one picks up in this world of blueland and redland.

alright, i shall not further your misguided impression that the life of a duty orderly officer is slack and get off the computer. i look forward to, if nothing else, a duration of sleep that will comfortably trump those in my normal 8 to 5 days.

have a good life, and good night in advance. lots of love, from the heart of dieppe barracks, khatib.

2010-04-07T16:59:00.000+08:00

"It may be possible to identify a few values more prevalent in parts of Asia than in the West. And vice versa. The same applies to vices. But the simplistic labels "Western" and "Asian" usually obscure the specifics of each country and situation, enabling all sides to substitute moralizing for morality and propaganda for principles."

-Philip Bowring, writing in the 2nd August, 1994, edition of "The Claims About 'Asian' Values Don't Usually Bear Scrutiny" in The New York Times

It is 4:55pm on a Wednesday noon and I am going to take a well-deserved (you wont ever know) afternoon nap now before heading out for some fun. Oh, random FYI, it is high time i get myself a proper and spacious book shelf. Ikea sometime soon. So long, my friends!

point form is an alternative for lazy writers

2010-04-05T22:44:00.004+08:00

Hello, you. Some disheartening news is perhaps in order: I am increasingly unable to write in proper, lengthy exposition on this platform as my thoughts are like, as the chinese saying goes, ants atop a burning wok - restless, in constant motion and scattered all over the shop. More mundanely perhaps, it has to do with the ticking away of the clock - every night, i tell myself to sleep early and remind myself of what sheer joy it is to be able to lie on the bed and caress my pillow, blanket and bolsters with a layer of coolness surrounding them. Of course, this self-talk is not working very well and my eye bags bemoan this fact. Nonetheless, I persist in my noble efforts to get onto bed as earlier as possible and thus what follows are the distinct, fleeting pieces of my mind throughout the preceding days:

1) Your environment matters. We might not like to admit it, but in all brutal honesty, the type of friends and influences you allow (sometimes, we dont have such control i admit) to surround you either enrich or bankrupt you emotionally, financially, morally, ethically, sexually...

2) Your inner compass is therefore of supreme importance. So if you cannot dictate the kind of environment you have, God help all of us develop a firm inner compass to navigate through the choppy waters of adolescent, teenage-hood, spirited youth and adulthood. It can get very choppy, indeed.

3) How much emphasis should we attach to one's starting pay? Today's lunch conversation with dr. lynette lee and loh zhi wen at vivocity brings the issue back on my mental radar: the best and brightest in each cohort ought to also belong to the fields which yield the highest incomes, no? This becomes a very real topic with each passing day toward being a full-fledged member of the labor force (i know, i still have effing 10 months lol)

4) You can limp away with your blessings. Yes, we can. Absent the exact biblical reference, this concept shall nevertheless bring me comfort when I contemplate domestic scuffles and the home life. Yes, we can.

5) (old realisation) It is really harder to find, make and retain good friends the older you get. Along the way, it's been built into our systems that it doesn't pay to be too open to new relationships, people or groups. A perverse process of social elimination takes place with the years and we are either left lonely or with kids who really matter. We should not romanticize too much about what university might offer in this aspect, but yet, we should not prematurely lock ourselves into a mental mode too.

6) Weekdays existence MUST be supplemented by fulfilling pursuits. I have friends on this with me so it's good, it's good. Still finding the right organization. But unfortunately, I missed this evening's MPS at McPherson. I shall make it next week.

7) Variety is the spice of life. This smacks of superficiality but honestly, there is excitement in new relationships/friendships that old, lasting ones cannot offer as intensely or regularly. Thank you, commando kwok for the following insightful lines, as quoted from a review of 500 Days of Summer:
"Captures with such immediacy the elation and anxiety of new love, the tingle and the terror, the profound sense that you have never been more alive and the occasional wish that you could die on the spot."

8) The cynical side of me got it wrong when I thought that OCS friends are merely utilitarian and seasonal. I look back in the past few weeks and I note how effing regularly we've met up and I look forward to the future and I project, happily, how close we'll remain in our different vocations and worlds. Do not fear the unknown brave new world, 2LTs HAHA

9) The more you invest into a relationship/project/pursuit, the more you expect from it. Basic fact of investment, I know. But whenever it happens, or fails you, the pain is felt all over again as if it's the first time. But no matter, we sort issues out and we move on.

10) Congratulations, Bryan Himbo for your baptism on Saturday, just in time for Easter Sunday in all it's symbolic spiritual glory.

I shall get back to editing Turner's essay now. Sleep beckons soon, and I shall answer its alluring, wistful call like how Gatsby gives in, weakly and regrettably, to Daisy's every gesture, movement and intention. Have a good week, kiddos!!!

On a completely unrelated note, here's some food for thought. Especially for those of us donning the glorious greens. From the one and only, Minister Mentor.

"I've no poll to prove this, but I go by my gut feel and one of my indicators has always been whether our young men take their national service seriously. I've seen no reports from Mindef that they are shirking. Everything said and done, in the seriousness of the quieter moments, they know deep down, that they are going to fight for this place. I don't see that will lacking. So I think there's hope."

momentary mental list

2010-03-30T01:12:00.001+08:00

1) having a 8 to 5 vocation does not mean i get enough sleep; it's true when working yuppies say that life begins after 5 on weekdays HEHE >> i should sleep more. read less. ughhh

2) i like to eat belgian mussels (orchard central level 8 kthx) P.S.: I luv you, jason sin ming kang SOM!!

3) i do miss aspects of cadet days, but on the whole, im objective enough to know i wouldn't want to relive it again as a whole package (you should know why, friendz)

4) im quite irritated by vouchers with deadlines. you demean and trivialize and cheapen and negate the meaning of gifts with your commercial, corporate calculations.

5) siglap always feel like home, more so with friends since younger dayzz :)

6) youth is a effing precious asset; i think as much as the classic velvet or stereolab crowd would think of young kids as irritants in their musical/alcoholic escapades, they are secretly irritated by the fact that their youth is gone and never coming back while WE ARE IN THE THICK OF IT RIGHT N.O.W.

7) how some people, including some of my closer friends, swing from relationships to relationships is still objectionable and unfathomable

8) i will need to supplement my current pay with tuition so IF YOU HAVE KIDS IN NEED OF TUITION (english & the humanities, thanks) pls contactzxx PRICES NEGOTIABLE

9) the most sexy station to be in in life, i think, is a certain sense of "been there, done that". it exudes charm and power.

10) a mismatch between expectations and reality is not good for either party in any relationship, including father and son, husband and wife. revenge is a silent killer we are all victims but with age, time and hopefully wisdom, may God's grace help us wash it away. HMMMMMMMMMMM & SIGHH

11) massages make the world go round.... I EFFING MEAN IT. but i must guard against it being a habit for me... i cant afford it with my measly pay (dont stone me, WOSEs)

12) everyone has their own battles, i must not belittle those being fought by some even though the jaded cheo in me tends to do that. but sometimes, some teenagers should learn to stop whining over their little problems.

13) (princeton kid juanhe and i talked abt this before on MSN) youths rebel, adults resign... no surprises there, then.

14) i like how "remember me" personalizes history, and showed a very humane, if a little dramatic, side of the tragedy; but then again, lets not forget the unpalatable fact that only america can romanticize her agony this way thanks to inexorable hollywood, when, rationally speaking, what is 3,000 lives compared to the many nameless millions killed directly or indirectly by her very own doing too?

15) I NEED A HOLIDAY NOW. ALTERNATIVELY, I NEED TO FORM UP CIP PLANS NOW.

16) WHO WILL BE THERE TO CATCH YOU IF YOU FALL?

this, could be the first day of my life.

2010-03-23T23:39:00.001+08:00

i don't intend to add to the climaxing chorus of jubilation that's in abundance amongst a particular bunch of young boys recently. the hats were thrown, the golden bar was donned and the emotions of joy, accomplishment and relief were (pardon the duality in the following word's meaning) ejaculated. very justifiably so. i cannot even begin to try and capture the past 9-months into sentences and string them into a coherent and comprehensive piece, so i dont think i will do so.

what i will note down here, for future personal references and your inquisitive disposition, is that it has been the single most trying period in my life. it was an environment which my personality was a disadvantage rather than not, a place where the rules of the game were, by some logic unfathomable to me, woefully at odds with my natural dispositions. i guess it has, in its most perverse ways, been a great learning and growing experience which on hindsight - and only on hindsight - i would recommend to someone else who's equally as undecided or unmotivated as i was then.

but alas, the journey has come to an end, the curtains are drawn and the actors (double meaning, heh) have retreated to the backstage... and a new chapter awaits. a brand new dimension of National Service, one which is so surreal, bordering on the unreal and unbelievable. the surge of joy within when i step out of the confines of a camp when the twilight of the day is still in its infancy. this reminds me of jamie cullum's song, "What A Difference A Day Makes".

but the basic pessimist in me tells me, softly but rather firmly to not presume too much as of now as premature conclusions are always the most embarrassing and misleading ones. in all honesty, i am also trying to get into the rhythm of things, a time of transition and some say, emancipation. but of course, before long, it'll become a cycle yet again. before then, let me always remember the fanfare, friends, family and meaning of the Twentieth of March, Two Thousand and Ten.

goodnight ladies and gentleman, with lots of love from an unprecedented weekday night existence :)

the writings in the red packets

2010-03-20T00:27:00.002+08:00

Hello there.

Not too long ago, I was in your exact shoes; helping out in a senior parade and thinking to myself, when will it ever be my turn? Well, that day will come. You just have to hang on and rise above the pressure and possible politics of this place. Be yourself, cherish the good guys. Your day will come and you'll stand tall and proud on that parade square.
All the best, cadet!

From:

2LT John Cheo

2003'10

T-W-O MORE DAYS

2010-03-17T23:01:00.001+08:00

Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Does the hero always live to see the break of dawn?

Yes, my friend of little faith.

There is a pot of gold at the other side of the rainbow, and all you have to do is to open your arms wide, uncynical, at peace, and receive it. Go, therefore, and relish the journey, winding and trying as it might be/have been.

Because, even if the above does not make much sense...

ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, soldiers and civilians...

WE ARE 2 DAYS AWAY FROM COMMISSIONING DAY :)

(and we just gang-raped konek!)

any title, of any measure of brilliance, will do injustice to marcus ho's masterpieces

2010-03-07T00:41:00.001+08:00

hello, fellow singaporeans/soldiers.

2010-03-06T23:53:00.003+08:00

2010-03-04T23:53:00.002+08:00

I apologize if my reading appetite has been tamed by the army, but the nearer it is toward the end of this fucking (nothing quite expresses the point as well as this universal word, really) journey in ocs and the more i learn about myself, the more i conclude, tragically on one level and profoundly blissfully on another, that between Austen's Lizzy and Fitzgerald's Gatsby, and me lies so much parallels.

It would be extremely imprudent of me to explicitly explain myself here, but suffice to say "To Lead, To Excel and To Overcome" has just got a brand new meaning of late. As a few good men and I reflect upon the road thus far, we are all surprised at how educational the experience has been. Way more than we would initially credit it for. But alas, the lessons are mostly non-military. Perhaps it is good preparation for the adulthood that is looming not too far away from the horizons of our individual, civilian lives. Perhaps.

It is always a difficult game reading people. I think I might have fooled myself into a comfort zone with regards to this, and extra dosages of humility, wisdom, conservatism (another word for restraint, really) and cautiousness should do me good.

This coming Saturday shall be the third consecutive weekend I am being confined, but it is okay. Numbness comes with time. And being in the zen mode, like a monk atop a lotus leaf undisturbed by the currents swirling around him, is quite comforting. Even if perversely.

That's all my mind needed to unload so I shall climb into my bed now. Goodnight, and good luck, boys and girls.

2010-03-01T22:32:00.000+08:00

THIS IS, JOINT TERM.

WEEK 36 OF 38, CADET.

RELISH. REFLECT. RESPECT. HAHAHAHA

2010-02-26T22:57:00.003+08:00

i think there has never been a point in my life that i've been as cynical as i am now with regards to top-down management, and attempts at eliciting and shaping free speech. can we really handle the diversity that might emerge? glasnost, like its theoretical polar opposite, might have a mind of its own when permitted. but gosh, i shouldnt even frame whatever happens in camp in such terms. the principle of compartmentalization is, surprisingly, extremely fitting in this context and phase of my life. weekdays vs. weekends, with vs. without instructors... the cynical list is not exhaustive.

but i also know it is always easier to become cynical than to stay bounded to one's cynical proposition. the latter requires quite a severe degree of disenchantment which i, fingers crossed, would never want to experience personally. the former, on the other hand, can simply be a result of untrammeled impulses and topical sentiments. and we all know the antidote to cynicism is contentment, or a mental registry of the good things in your life worthy of a calm, silent and profound smile (okay, ms teo, im not being original here).

you need a functional memory to be contented, to look back and gaze at all that what not possible but nonetheless made possible in your life with an awe and gratitude... but the central dilemma is that this same functioning memory might also be the source of unhappy recollections, regrets and anguish. how do we go about being precisely selective? no wonder some - gasp! - cynics say that religions are borne out of such philosophical musings.

the above reflection cannot come at a more random juncture, and i do not know why i am feeling suddenly and quite unnecessarily pensive about things. its a friday, and even though im confined for saturday after a prospectively shag Platoon Assault Course, there is no reason for such moody thoughts and heaviness on my mind. perhaps, as shanan postulated, it has to do with the glorious fact that OCS is inching to its logical end (commission lo!) in a matter of 20 days. or perhaps, as jason pointed out, tonight is the last night of our Professional Term in OCS.

on an unrelated note, the Panther debrief was surprisingly enlightening thanks solely to Colonel Chiang's impromptu injection of his reservist battalion story. such moments of epiphany (grossly wanting in the army) make the case for commitment to and faith in the larger system. but sadly, they are very much tainted by the contrary experiences we have all come to associate most intimately with OCS training.

this pseudo end-of-course reflection piece is getting a tad too honest for public consumption and so i shall stop here. i love the friends i have found through this journey, and they are the ones i shall hold dearly to.

goodnight, and have a good weekend. i will be spending the bulk of it in camp, i hope that makes you perverse imbeciles feel better if you needed it. only kidding.

Good and Bad Power, by Geoff Mulgan

2010-02-24T17:36:00.002+08:00

"Democracy is that form of government whose principal rules, when observed, have as their aim the solution of social conflicts without the need to resort to mutual violence (heads are counted, not severed)."

-- Norberto Bobbio

"... truth is so precious that she should always be attended by a bodyguard of lies."

-- Winston Churchill

" Most of the time the things that benefit a prince harms his city, while the things that benefit the city harm the prince."

-- Machiavelli

"... of course he had principles, and if you don't like these ones, I have plenty more ..."

-- Groucho Marx

"When Lee Hsien Loong came to power, he promised to leave no stones unturned to remake Singapore. But what we see is just the little stones and pebbles being merrily kicked about, raising so much dust and din, but the big boulders of repression are still very much in place."

- Dr. Lim Hock Siew, former Barisan Sosialis leader

"Repression, Sir is a habit that grows. I am told it is like making love-it is always easier the second time! The first time there may be pangs of conscience, a sense of guilt. But once embarked on this course with constant repetition you get more and more brazen in the attack. All you have to do is to dissolve organizations and societies and banish and detain the key political workers in these societies. Then miraculously everything is tranquil on the surface. Then an intimidated press and the government-controlled radio together can regularly sing your praises, and slowly and steadily the people are made to forget the evil things that have already been done, or if these things are referred to again they’re conveniently distorted and distorted with impunity, because there will be no opposition to contradict."

--Lee Kuan Yew as an opposition PAP member speaking to David Marshall

LOL

2010-02-24T01:00:00.001+08:00

Hi. I need to jot down snippets of today cause its too amusing and i've been laughing at the text messages which i've been getting in the past few hours. So here goes.

Case Study (1)

Boy G: .... i want to study in switzerland.

Me: oh, why switzerland? i thought it'll be beijing.

Boy G: erm IDK suddenly feel like. and i'll never go china to study i'll die. and i know that was a dig at me.

Case Study (2)

Me: (approximated words) we'll be lonely and old one day when everyone is romantically involved

Boy W: lol yea thats why its tough

Case Study (3)

(on the phone)

Boy S: sweet dreams goodnight!

Me: haha goodnight.

A while later, when boy S's ~~warped~~ sense of manliness prevailed...

(in text message)

Boy S: f**k damn gay i cant believe i just said sweet dreams! i only say it to girls!

Me: (approximated words again) I DIDNT EVEN HEAR IT I SWEAR

Boy S: f**k, thats it. i really need @#$%!!$%$&%**$ (the sentiment expressed has to be protected)

Me: (approximated) you are a flab

Boy S: ... ugh i wish girls were as easy to come by as they are in gossip girl.

Me: (approximated) such irresponsibility shouldnt be condoned and such urges should not be given in to

Boy S: ... just dont rape anybody can already!!

In less hormonal issues, I greatly enjoyed the past several tens of hours. As usual, some things are not meant for public consumption so I think bits of pictorial representation on Facebook suffice as memory-keepers. I will be booking in later today and I have to say, this is the LAST. WEEK. OF. PRO. TERM. IN. OCS.

You do not understand the magnitude of the above fact unless you are, or have been toiling in this shit. Quite a hell lot has been packed into this past 8-odd months of training that a proper reflection is certainly in order, but I will not shortchange myself or the last few weeks by doing that right now. But gratitude, above all, is my overarching sentiment. Hallelujah.

Alright, I shall crawl into the nestle that is my bed now. Happy Birthday, Tay Ke Hui, Keith (hahaha). My treat the next time, and go drop it like its hot later tonight, Mambo Jumbo. Youth is such a precious thing, and we must seize/sex it.

Goodnight :)

a momentary mental list

2010-02-20T20:37:00.003+08:00

1) my favorite drink now is MALIBU no doubt (casino marican and long phone convo memories)
2) i learnt that long distance relationships are really quite, unpredictable.
3) (by extension of the same logic above) i learnt that unpredictability is a staple in certain relationships
4) i have to moderate my expectations when the time (August 2011) comes because my cornell darling says i've romanticized a tad too much
5) i need a holiday very badly
6) maybe its time i, all over again, think about my spiritual life (or the sad lack thereof)
7) my mother is the single most important person in my life
8) doing weekend duty is now a numbing affair (ocs is very numbing, sorry)
9) everyone appreciates an honest friend
10) with your bests, you have no defenses, no pretensions, no impressions (read: state of normalcy!)
11) i have too many virgin friends
12) im not very easily impressed; i size people up, too quickly for my own good sometimes
13) it is a myth when people say we cant take charge of our emotions... i am learning how to!!

"The request which agriculture, manufacture and commerce present to governments is as modest and reasonable as that which Diogenes made to Alexander: "stand out of my sunshine." We have no need of favor. We require only a secure and open path." -- Jeremy Bentham

let's do everything for the first time forever

2010-02-19T22:57:00.001+08:00

any violation of the hallowed concepts of originality and intellectual property laws is intentional. in other spheres, im numb with quite a bit of things recently. including, of course, the more than frequent book-ins to camp. but on a more profound level, too, im increasingly numb. i shall go get some sleep now, with marcus ho the most MEEK person (indie kid!!) in my life in my bunk cos we are ippt foamers. goodnight for now. till sunday morning.

P.S. tiff & shi wei, bon voyage!!! :)

2010-02-09T00:47:00.002+08:00

it is perhaps fitting to note down that later on today, i will be embarking on my last ever proper outfield exercise (i am, of course, making an impertinent but realistic assumption about my posting haha). exercise panther, the last of the countless exercises this past nearly 8 months have had in store for kids like us slogging toward that black bar. it is surreal, always is, whenever i look back on the initial tentative steps onto the land of bald heads, No.4s, malay commands, and SAR21s. you'll be lost if you are an untainted member of the Singaporean citizenry, but most guys who've been through this path will look back with a slight shudder, many a good memories (and some bad ones no doubt) and quite a bit of reflections, and regrets. but i think im getting grossly ahead of myself if i continue on this introspective trajectory about NS as a whole, since for goodness sake, i still have a long way to go.

but yes, before my random heavy thoughts got in the way, exercise panther marks the last of many routines that i've been well-acquainted with. high kneel, "weapon point where??!!", "take cover, take cover!!!"... and haha combat ration! it shall be prospectively my last, and so i shall consume with a renewed sense of relish when meal times come. i recall shanan one day before his exercise panther begun and it's slightly unbelievable that i, too, have inched toward this point. a few more key things lie ahead, like csb, atp and PAC, but i know we will "get by with a little bit of help from our friends".

many of my juniors, and one or two special peers (hello zai, naresh, george), have donned the greens in the past week. there is admittedly a perverse sense of delight as i know that the inexorable force that is the SAF has caught up with them... it is a cycle, a rite of passage and all slightly unreal. but i do think that most times, we refuse to acknowledge that it has, for better or worse, become a big part of our lives now. wearing boots as a daily affair is no longer strange, drinking from a green 1.5 litre bottle is no longer novelty, putting on camo to our faces is everyday's play and becoming at one with mother nature in the jungles no longer irks us that much anymore. fussing over our field packs' tidiness, boots' blackness, bunks' cleanliness... somehow becomes second nature. at least for now. gosh i sound unusually receptive, or positive even, about the soldier's tale at this moment. yet inside me i know this to be a fleeting mental state. i know that some realities in life must be doggedly recognized, regardless of the prevailing schedule, mood or atmosphere.

again i say, if you belong to the blessed bunch of "un-militarized" beings, this whole post probably sounds irrelevant at best, or inconsequential at worst. but i implore you to try and feel things from a conscript's point of view. this is, after all, the supposed final bastion of our precious sovereignty and bedrock of all our possible successes at nation-building.

alright, GOODNIGHT. i cant wait to strike each passing day off my calendar and i cant wait for this weekend. weekends are always the bomb.

P.S. happy birthday kenny/zhen han :) you've been a joy in my life... maybe too much of a joy sometimes cause we cant help but laugh at you. happy birthday to georgie porgie also. we go way back its quite unbelievable!

2010-02-07T13:58:00.003+08:00

im sitting, strangely, in my dining room as my mom busies herself walking to and fro doing domestic chores. and i see Tupperwares with red covers, telling me its unmistakably lunar new year period. the curtains are taken down for washing, and the closet is, as always, under construction. thanks quak for indulging in my topman polo tee ystdy :) in mom's words, its cny for me every weekend :)

i have a renewed appreciation of the grass is greener on the other side the past week. as i compared the varying stations in life which i could have been in at this point in time, more than 1 year after rj. we always fall into the trap of "if onlys" and "what could have beens". when truth is, there's always bound to be dark holes and spaces to be filled, wherever you may be. to cut this thickening cloud of allusions, i am referring to being in foreign company, intellectual rigor and seeing snow and walking along the streets of New York, for example. you should get my drift.

this weekend has been quite good. well, most weekends are good because just being out in the civilian world brings an indescribable joy to me... you've to text me while i just step out to feel my excitement. LOL. but yeah, good food, good company, retail therapy (books and clothes, im that predictable) makes it for me. and i didnt even club :) but i also didnt go to church this morning (sorry bryan baby). its lunar new year next week so i hop i can still find time to go.

i should leave home soon to meet chengjie yelin daryl hiok kern quak for barely 1 hour before booking back in. conflicting schedules make for heartbreaks but we make do with it, because we are all in the army, donning the glorious greens. this is week 20 of 22 of pro-term... and the week for our summary exercise. we will get there, yes we can. eternally thankful :)

goodbye, and good luck.

P.S. calvin, if u see this, pls know that your email brought a wide wide smile to my face :)

bonjour excusez-moi, prenez-vous un avis

2010-02-03T17:29:00.008+08:00

i watched LOL on the flight back home from taiwan not too long ago and it was quite a palatable watch. if for nothing else, sophie marceau exudes an expensive kind of charm that is at once grounded and yet classic french haute chic. another foreign film which journeyed with me 6,000 feet above ground on that plane home was Keinohrhasen, or Rabbit Without Ears, a german film which was equally funny, if only a bit more sensual.

im not a usual goer of these foreign language films (i didnt even catch Les Choristes!) but sometimes, its plain refreshing to watch the lives of people speaking a completely alien language (granted, not completely alien but you get my point) play out in front of you.

and then it suddenly hits you, all over again, that there are indeed certain issues, anguish, trials and joys which cut across cultural, religious, sexual, racial, and in this case, linguistic barriers. like kids having to be reminded to get out of their room and have dinner, and stop texting while at it, or that there is nothing quite as regrettable or heart-wrenching as misguided triumphalism or unrequited love. ah... the pains of such affairs of the heart... how very, very pensive and dark it makes us all. for a pictorial representation of such sentiments, please refer above ^^.

in other domains, i shall go take a rare nap right now. dont ask me why, because some things i wont say here. :D

2010-02-02T00:35:00.003+08:00

hello. sometimes, i get caught in a mental game of my own. and i dont know if its just signs, indicators of an oversensitive psyche, or is it sheer insecurity, borne out of personal history. whatever the case, i think a module or two in psychology will do me good.

booked out this morning, had breakfast with dad at sims drive (carrot cake always yummy) then came home and crashed. till 4pm. SLEPT MORE THAN HALF OF MY 1-DAY BOOK OUT AWAY THANKS. and then i washed up, left the house, went to town, shopped by myself for a while (retail therapy, with good music in my head and cash in my hands always does it for me) until sis joined me. had dinner when mom reached, and then i met shanan and kim. and then gab. AND EVERYONE'S PHYSIQUE SEEMS TO HAVE ALTERED! skinnier (all 3), hairier (shanan didn shave), whiter (??!! gab)... thats the type of observations you make when you havent seen each other for, what, nearly 2 months?

and i feel like i increasingly cant (or shouldnt) keep track of my friends' lives. shanan has been through so much in his course and im quite clueless about it all, primarily thanks to being away in taiwan for 3 weeks i guess. and i have no precise idea about what gabriel is doing in camp, just hazy idea of a dreadful existence in green (haha who isn't?). and i get lost when kim talks about her tutorial schedule... no, i dont mean it in the depressive or emo sense, just an observation about the dynamics of this stage of our lives and maybe possibly from now on. well, on a separate note, gelatissimo totally disappointed my craving for something sweet :(

the past week has been quite taxing, chiefly because i've become cpc. for the uninformed (untainted, in this context really), that stands for cadet platoon commander. the military parlance for "class monitor", if you like. basically, i've never been this involved, this engaged and this busy in my whole ocs life. i know, it's funny how the tables turn and fortunes change. but i know i had to do something like this, and so , in taiwan during Starlight, i went up to lt melvin and told him i wanna do it. yes, i volunteered. let's attempt to learn a thing or two about leadership in this place, contribute my part and - dont judge me haha - earn that rank, i thought. 31 weeks in ocs thus far, quite unbelievable how i managed. to be reflective now is to be premature, so i shant.

i bought thomas paine's "common sense, rights of man" just now at borders. im quite sure it'll be a good read in time to come. gosh i cant wait to read all the books lying dormant on my shelf, ceaselessly promising a brave new world within their pages. 4 + 3 more weeks on this adventure, come on we can do this. i love my army buds too, so that should help. YES. WE. CAN.

"courage does not always roar. sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says, 'i will try again tomorrow'." :)

2010-01-27T04:42:00.003+08:00

"Last time when i saw Dr Sen, he said sleep 7 hours. Drink 7 cups of water and exercise half hr every day then can stay healthy. For reference. But for john is diff, u need to eat more and drink more. Lack of sleep, no good for heart. Drinking damages the liver."

My ever-loving mother sent me that message a while ago after we've said our "goodnights" and retreated to our respective bedrooms. It amused me, but also warmed my heart. Especially the last portion of her warning letter of love. Haha. I think she is increasingly concerned with my supposed drinking habit just because 1) I requested for a citibank supplementary card for its zouk benefits, and 2) I told her about one of the nights in Taiwan when free flow reigned. Haha.

It was quite a good day, I had katong laksa (been a long time coming) with mom before going for a haircut and then a shoulder/back massage. a pity i couldnt head down to vs in the morning though haha i overslept. so anyway, went to town, met up with cj over starbucks and then dinner at canton-i when sis joined mom and i and after that met bezzy. seen in this light, army life is quite the good approximation of our social (and emotional) lives in the future as working adults. i shall not digress. spending quality time with important people after more than a month of being effectively "away" brings a smile to my face :) the trade of perspectives and sentiments... bedrock of any friendship.

i just downloaded a whole bunch of songs to refresh my ipod. i like new songs, now i need movies and videos in it to make it more complete. like how the opposition needs one or two stars in their midst to beef up their ranks. the skies have been quite benevolent and bestowed them with not one, but two of such "stars" in the form of the ex-government scholars couple team, of which one member i've just messaged online. i am really quite impressed (after surprise, shock and slight disbelief) with the boldness of their move.

an occurrence that is extremely novel, if i can be honest, but ultimately patriotic, i believe. the skeptical side of me thinks they might just be plants afterall, if you get what i mean. but the rationale side of me thinks the stakes have been brought too high for it to be mere child's play/wayang kulit. we shall watch this space and see how the balls of flames roll out... especially when elections finally dawn upon us. how very exciting, i will be able to vote in the next election. an immense responsibility if i can be clinical here.

let's just hope the opposition have some guts, steel and fire to allow me to exercise my vote and not allow a walk-over in my single-member constituency. makes me think back on 2006 when i was an o-level kid, being that occasional oddity at political rallies and the passionate (admittedly, i was then bloodily narrow-minded and regrettably fixated) fan of the establishment. im still, by and large, a fan, but you ought to know how the past year or so has updated some of my views with regards to all things political. so yup.

alright, once again, the bed beckons and the booking-in grill comes to the fore with the same vengeance as ever. goodnight, and good luck.

2010-01-26T05:07:00.002+08:00

hello world, being back is both good and bad. i cant be bothered/wont want to elaborate about how taiwan went in its entirety, but suffice to note down that r&r was really not bad and taipei is an extremely livable city for a reasonably cool chinese kid like you and me :) LAVA night was perhaps a bit... unreal. but nvm, we go through phases and blocks of weeks and boom bang we are back in the here and now and the routine continues. i must learn how to speak about my current drill more positively.

anyway, shopping was good, though it was mainly shirts from NET (i dunno why the stuff in sg's NET is so effing ugly in contrast man!!!). reminds me of when i went taiwan some yrs back and got my 1st ever shirt from the same shop from xi men ding also. we said we would visit taipei again, and truly plug into the pulse of the city when we are happier, freer boys. i hope that happens.

i hope all my random fantasies about holidaying with my lovers do materialise too, i can always, always, always do with a getaway from this place. there's smtg about being on an airplane, checking in and out of an airport with unknown little surprises wrapped along the path ahead in a brand new fresh city. its times like this i appreciate the frequency of travel tt my prospective job in the future entails.

in other domains, i think favoritism, or biasness (whether conscious or not), is a truly deplorable trait that even the worst of leaders ought to stay away from. a grand, grim indicator of unprofessionalism.

another piece of random thought, or musing, if you like: i think i am beginning to appreciate what older, wiser people (or just talented scriptwrtiers with an uncanny knack for coming up with prescient lines) mean when they say that when one grows up, our priorities start to change. in truth, it has been happening since we were born but you get my point. i suppose the 11-yr old me will fume at the thought of not having a perfect experience of pampering on his birthday. but the 20-yr old me felt pretty alright spending it under the stars-lit skies of hukou, taiwan, on top of a knoll in my army uniform, with a rifle nearby and strong winds all around, quite physically distanced from my loved ones. i thought of home as i gazed, part dully, part imaginatively, at the many mesmerizing yellow lights dotting the ancient city's main streets. quite a view, i've to concede. and at least there was fireworks :)

it's freaking late and i should sleep in my bed while i can, since im booking in wednesday noon. moan, world, moan. have a blessed feb ahead.

Republic of China beckons ... till the 26th jan.

2010-01-05T19:28:00.002+08:00

Yes, yes, Taiwan Ex Starlight is the chief mental attraction for now, but in the meantime, here's a good poem for our enjoyment. thank you, miss yalie. (as an aside, i like how im becoming increasingly elusive and cryptic here!!)

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

thanks to all the dearies that made confinement, RCP, and all the other attendant shit of army life that bit more tolerable. i've not been in physical contact with much of the world for the past week, but all's fine as i think i got some more important things (Read: relationships) right. i greatly enjoyed my chicken rice lunch ydtsy, thank mom. i also greatly enjoyed ben and jerry's ystdy before meeting the entertainment guy, thanks zai. and i also greatly enjoyed my ding tai fung dinner, thanks ngiam. and i also greatly enjoyed my dark mocha blend and hokkien mee (and the company, of course :) ) ystdy, thanks gab. got some last minute packing to do, before heading to terminal 1 and seeing, for the first time in a while, human crowds. so although my 20th birthday (hint: 12 january) will be spent in the thick of jungles, i shall take heart from the care i've been showered with the past few days and the knowledge that THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, STILL.

have a good life, one and all. God from above bless and keep you, and loved ones, close and safe. GOODBYE.

2010-01-03T21:06:00.004+08:00

earlier today, i was awoken by my phone's hurried vibration. part conscious, part irritated, my hands swept across the table as my fingers struggled to land onto the right buttons on the black and wholly utilitarian army phone. under the hypnosis commonly associated with the first few, brief minutes of consciousness after a long sleep, my fingers missed. the call ended. the vibration, the connection to another fellow human being on the other side of the line, comes to an premature death. prompted by the sign of an envelope and almost as a reflex action, i proceeded to check my inbox for messages.

well, apparently, nick lim was with rj's advisor for uni apps and the latter had news for me, straight from the admissions office of penn.

" (pardon me for the lack of precise recollection)... you cannot apply for any other school once you've deposited for a place at Penn..."

"... oh, I didn't know that! I thought I could continue to explore my options in the next 2 years through army..."

"... well, the Ivies they share a common database, so unless you apply to somewhere else..."

"... oh I see... haha okay, I doubt I will. So, I am stuck with Penn!"

i didn't think my fate for college would be this easily and swiftly decided. actually, it was already a done deal since May 1st! just that I didnt know. well, so unless I decide to be as fickle-minded as our dear chengjie, Penn shall be it already :) i don't think the UK system will appeal to my sense of curiosity about the vast universe, so...

the countdown, for so many, many things, rages on... THIS IS DAY 8 OF RCP! i'll make it, yes.

2010-01-03T03:08:00.002+08:00

today, or rather, yesterday, i was part of a covert smuggling mission. the task force was kept lean, nimble and wholly confidential. i am not sure how much i can divulge here without seriously undermining the integrity of the mission, which was a complete success. the covert mission included 2 infantry motorized vehicles (convertible for civilian, money-making purposes), some prior successful espionage/liaison (with nice souls on guard) and, as with most missions, good luck. of course, good intentions are often blessed with that elusive quality from above, so thanks must be duly given. in this highly misleading, confusing and somewhat incoherent narrative, i hope to have chronicled day 7 of my RCP. i will always love you two. RISK PAY: ZERO. BALLS BEHIND THE MISSION: PRICELESS.

in less cryptic spheres, i think i am becoming - gasp!- a sloth. shanan and i both had this word in mind when i ran through the activities which im chiefly engaged in during my time in here, cut off from the rest of the world, living a virtual life more than an actual one. i eat, i surf the net, i sms, i call, i chat on fb, i do typical fb stalking, i email, i read up, i eat, i sleep, i download movies, i eat... i eat again. did i mention visiting the loo frequently too. yeah, so thats quite slothy isnt it. im growing fat but that should probably be my opposite direction, at least in this last phase of my cadet life. im gonna run more often now! since time is so on my hands for this period.

on a more reflective note, this solitary life can be enjoyable, i concede. as perverse and strange as that might sound... im clearly a social animal, but i think i value personal time too. being in here, alone as can be, i think i have no choice but to dig within for inspiration, entertainment and some imagination of life as it should be, in the future somewhere far, far away. perhaps in NYC. perhaps in Philadelphia. but i've just been thinking through the possibilities beyond this phase, this place and ahhhh how very, very alluring.

such "time-out" is actually a rare commodity in our world today, as young and as unimportant i may be on say the international political or economic stage. we all lead busy, if inconsequential, lives now. whether its the schedule we are bound to, the commitments we have been chained in, or simply the ends meet we have to make... there's no "time-out" imposed on life. so i figured if i consciously view this few days this way, it'll make me the richer for me. so i shall try, and persist... and before i know it (i love this concept), it'll be over!

i have not been reading as much as i would have liked, and you can blame it on the computer and my natural propensity to talk to people on fbchat. after all, its not everyday that i can prowl around facebook almost 24/7 and tracking who's on and who's offline. but today, sunday the 3rd of january 2010, being a sabbath, i should probably truly indulge in some good intellectual exercises since its more relaxation than exertion for me when i bury myself in a good book. and thank you very much, i believe my books are good ones.

as one grows up, you either grow closer to or farther away from people and things. you dont stay stagnant because with time, and age, and some dosage of wisdom (hopefully), your perspective on issues changes. it has to be, lest you are living out a completely robotic existence. while some fundamental worldviews dont alter as easily or as hastily as others, most are updated, refined or clarified. for me, at this point in time, 9 days before turning 20, i have to say that my views on befriending have changed quite a bit. i used to be quite the unadulterated social butterfly, and every new person is of extreme interest to me - what story does he/she bring to the table? what colors can she add to the grand portrait of life?

but now, that sort of inspired thinking has been tamed (or tainted, your choice) by a more - and im being brutally frank here - elitist and judgmental attitude. i think thats what adults do subconsciously and routinely: they size people up, sieve out a person's worth quick and pigeonhole him/her into a befitting category, which then later informs how you'll treat/approach that person. in short, there's more head and less heart in human interaction and relationship in the adult world, of which with each passing day, week, month, year i am slowly creeping into.

and its not a mental development (well, semantics. "development" can be both positive and negative) which i am entirely comfortable with, especially since i've always derived a certain pride and joy in being able to connect with all types of people - losers, coolios, rich, poor, ugly, hot, handsome, pretty, short, tall, buff, skinny, eloquent, dumb, witty, oafish-like... but nowadays, im not so sure of my natural disposition man. or maybe, just maybe, this thought is triggered and amplified by my current station in OCS. i know, the jury is still out, but im just noting down observations that randomly pop into my mind.

i have not been keeping myself abreast of current affairs recently and that frustrates me. the degree of exasperation i feel for being an uninformed individual is only mitigated by the equally sad fact that my immediate environment (army) doesnt actually make me realize the painful absence of a grasp on world news... who cares anyway? you should just learn how to use a gun, prone behind trees and shout "enemy! straight ahead! my 12 o'clock!" lest i sound like im still the same old unchanged cynic, let me categorically state that in the past 3 weeks, my attitudes for ocs have never improved so much. and part of that must surely be a result of genuine efforts by a certain NSF instructor. funny how things turn out in the end... from the most anal (dont burn me if you see this, sir) to the most helpful and best guide, we (the Englishmen, hur hur) appreciate you very, very much.

yet another night dawns, and that means im one day closer to leaving camp, one day closer to taiwan, one day closer to coming back from taiwan, and one day closer to that one effing bar. we'll get there, boys.

happy new year, again. 2010 will kick 2009's bad ass, im banking on this declaration from wanjoo :)

"an ending is a beginning, we just dont know it at that time."

2009-12-31T23:46:00.005+08:00

hello. and so, it is 2010. here it comes, the big 10. i dont have to elaborate on how pensive i am at this current moment. about everything that has gone, and all that is to come. there's, as is to be expected of such moments in the year, lots on my mind. well, for starters, its been the year i enlisted. this rite of passage, as cliche as it is, has been quite a trip so far. and im only 8 months through this 1yr-10 month adventure. a bubble, if i can be completely candid. it will burst one day, young man. but till then, try and keep positive.

in other domains, well, lets just say it has been a rather... disappointing year. fundamentally, i am not reconciled to the notion that i am still here in sg. i mean, i begun the year (or rather, ended the previous one) with an entirely different expectation of how 2009 will turn out. i shall always recall, with slight shame now, my conversation with cj at SAFTI back in dec 2008 when we were civilians watching the comms parade of our seniors. 1 yr one, funny how life played out.

this year has been, in short, a year of change, both positively and negatively. leaving the typical school context, or cacoon, really, of raffles has been pretty interesting mainly because new, fluid influences start coming through the roofs of my social life. the onslaught (yes, onslaught) of National Service probably played a big part in that, too.

i am not yet ready to pass unchangable verdicts about the journey i am on now, since i think such premature conclusions are often given to much contradictions later on with newer perspectives and experiences. so i shall just say that at this point in time, it has been very trying and more so when i am spending new year's eve and new year's day here alone in camp, in my bunk, with silence so deafening it mutes Elvis in his heydays.

but strangely, perhaps due to some spiritual intervention unbeknownst to us mere mortals, i feel a certain sense of peace in my heart. i am not feeling as rotten as i thought i otherwise would. perhaps its the mini party my great buddies had for me before booking out, perhaps its the vodka, perhaps its the music stuck in my head, perhaps its the many phonecalls with important people which transpired before and into the new year... perhaps, it's just my prayers working. but i wonder how surviving the next 4 days of such sedentary life will be like.

sis says i should take this time to pause and stop buzzing from one place to another. i should probably take heed, since this year has pretty much been about running from places to places, transiting from phases to phases, moving on and to people to people. in all of this metaphorical mobile exercises, emotions have been strained, minds have been stretched and hearts have been ached. or maybe i should just stick to using singular, since i am really speaking from a personal empirical point of view.

before i digress into say, the metaphysics of my year, well let me get back to specifics. if only for keepsake, for i always believe in documenting life, for it passes by so quickly and sometimes, in such a daze that we'ld be the richer for it should we type things down. so yup. it begun pretty dandily, internships and all, new fresh faces and places, holidays and foreign, tingling experiences. A-levels results came, efforts paid off (i guess?) and came some ivies in april, when i was visiting sis in china with mom. and then came edb, and then mfa, all in lieu of psc. and that pretty much led to the whole episode of soldier cheo, which set the not-so-idyllic setting for other events to play themselves out in this stage called life.

my usual insecurities were like a pendulum, swinging into prominence and fading back into an abyss of oblivion every now and then, at home and in my other relationships, which probably isn't too positive a disposition to adopt. but i know that along the way, as jagged as it might have seen, i have learnt much about emotional independence. some harsh lessons on the reality of life as you grow out of the school uniform, and for the guys, first don on the greens and finally, the CVs again. some battles must be fought by you and you alone, young kiddo.

friends flew off, friend flew back. a handful was particularly missed, and i cant wait for the period in which i can meet all of them back home, or even better, in their host countries of study! i have such awesome plans of visiting princeton! duke! yale! cambridge! lse! cornell! and of course, the one and only penn (yes, no prize for guessing where im enrolling). esp princeton, since juanhe is not coming back till next year. on a much more consoling note, this absence of a few months, this "separate" life, if you like (or if you are just plain pedantic), of my close peeps overseas have shown that deep down, nothing much really changes. though everyone will soon return to their own routine (wise observations from cj) in a matter of days or weeks, i know that some common thread running across the fabric of friendship has not been misplaced. we are all just growing up, readying for the world, hurrying for the life.

i must, as a matter of circumstance and not choice, learn how to count my blessings and perhaps view life through the "it could've been worse" prism. and i personally know of one or two other dudes in similar mental modes as me, thanks to army or not, and all i can say is, goodbye fucked-up 2009, hello 2010. it can only get better, my lovers. work at it, we'll do fine. i know 12 months later, we'll be in quite drastically different stations in life, and we'll probably look back on such ruminations and smile, in the way old men do when they gather together on a lazy breezy weekday afternoon amidst the corporate chaos, embracing the comfortable notion that "ahhhh those were the days...", or, more in its more modern incarnation, "been there, done that, still surviving."

happy new year, one and all. here's to a great 2010 :)